Category: Uncategorized

 

I keep intending to post something, anything — but life has a way of happening, and a lot of the time that’s more interesting than writing about it. I’m certain it’s also a lot more exciting than reading about it, but it’s your own fault for looking here.

Things are proceeding nicely. We got ahead of our debts for the first time in 7 years this may. Put another way, my wife has never known me to be debt free. It’s a welcome change, and it seems to be a lot easier to stay out of debt than it was to get out of debt. Going to have to keep ahead of finances from here on in.

I’m on a health kick finally — Over 3 years working like a dog, and I managed 2 surgeries, 3 ulcers, and a bunch of unhealthy pounds. I was starting to hate how i looked, and I didn’t feel proud to be me, even with all of the other good things happening in my life. I’m .. what.. 8 weeks into a serious go at exercise? It’s helping. I easily have another 15 weeks before I’m at “my goal”, whatever that means… but I’m starting to think I’ll get there. That’s another thing that I have to prioritize.

I’ve never been good at putting my health above work, but the older i get, the more i see that leads to nothing better than sickness and early death. Will the work thank me for that? No.

It’s a different life — also in part due to our failure to have children. After this long trying, and one near miss, that’s it. My priorities are shifting, I’m no longer trying to fit things in before kids arrive. Now i’m thinking “What should we do next?”. Lots of options.

I’m excited to see what happens next.

 

So it’s almost 6 in the morning, and nearly time to check out of my hotel. What a trip this has been.

I left my house around 4am last sunday to catch a 6am flight down. The flight was decent, but when I arrived the usual driver wasn’t there to pick me up. Apparently the policy regarding company-funded shuttles had changed, and no one had mentioned it to me. I found this out *after* I’d called the shuttle and had them drop me off at the Fitzgerald Hotel.

Now, I’ll admit it — I’ve been spoiled. I’d been to Club Quarters twice, and once to the Hilton. I’d been hoping to go back to Club Quarters this time, but they were all booked up. Regardless, I expected roughly the same kind of living conditions here.

Wrong. The hotel’s an antique, and not well maintained. The rooms are incredibly tiny, without even space for a work table. There’s no coffee pot in the room, nor air conditioner (or any white noise generator). There’s no sound proofing either, so the noise from the other rooms is transmitted with regrettable clarity.

All of this I discovered later — arriving I was told to go away and come back after 3, the standard checkin time. Again, spoiled, I was used to arriving early, half dead, and crashing out in my hotel room for at least a few hours. Instead I had to kill 6 hours before I could check in, so my mood was already poor by the time I saw the room.

The lack of a white noise device of any kind, coupled with the lack of soundproofing has guaranteed some pretty sleepless nights, I’m surprised I made it to this weekend. Last night was the worst, cheap hotel + friday + international tourists == LOUD. I managed an hour or so of broken sleep, and have otherwise just been watching the clock.

Next time I have a different hotel thank god. I picked it, which means it’d better not suck, or I won’t have anyone to complain to. I had a slim number of choices, so I picked one with good ratings and neglected to check the neighborhood details. It’s in a part of the city called the “Tenderloin” — what reference that has escapes me, though I assume it means a higher percentage of homeless and prostitution.

It just means I’ll need to dress down a bit more next time, to be less of an obvious target. Suits me just fine — this new hotel is about 12 blocks away from work, and walking that in dress clothes is HOT. Not exactly enjoyable arriving to work overheated and damp.

Other than the room and the lack of sleep, I can’t complain. The work is interesting, the people are fantastic, and I get to go home today. 🙂

 

Ok. I picked it up today. This is the third car I’ve bought from this same dealership, and in fact I’ve dealt with the same guy for the financing each time.

It’s a lovely vehicle. My pet peeves? No bluetooth (I’m going to get that added). A bit louder with road noise (getting undercoating). No behind-the-seat storage (which i tend to lose things in for a few years anyway apparently).

Other than that, I don’t have any complaints. It’s not as fancy as the 5, but I knew that going into it — this is more a vehicle I’ll USE though, so I’m happy to have something simpler to use.

It had 20 KM on it when I got it. I took it for a road trip immediately, and added about 400KM to that. I wanted to acclimatize to it quickly, and it seemed like the best way. It’s a really fun drive, and I can see additional driving trips in the near future.

It’s actually cheaper per month — unsurprising since I am financing for another 6 years. That’s ok, it’s also cheaper on gas. I also have to consider two possibilities. Either I’ll trade it in again in a few years, in which case it’s a lot like a cellphone plan, and as long as it’s affordable it’s irrelevant — or I’ll end up keeping it full term, and saving 20{99f4aabb8f9a8b7318031e7dd7e1d4d33a10ca1a288a083cef0cdea647a62112}/month will let me buy one for my wife as well *She likes it too*.

I’ll have a week to get my list together for mazda, I’ll be bringing the car into the dealership (actually, i might do it thursday even) to get all of the optional bits like undercoating done. They’ll need it for the whole day, so apparently the tasks take time, but a day downtown could be fun.

Anyhow, I’m going to close off now, there’s always more to write, but the rest will keep.

 

So I’m trading in my car.

That’s right.  3 days ago I decided. I’m getting a green Mazda2 to replace my grey Mazda5.

If you know me, you’ll laugh a little and nod.  If you don’t, you’d wonder “gee, 3 days seems like a poorly planned, and might i say rushed decision”.  Consider yourself gently patted on the head.

I bought my house and my last car at about that speed too.  Guess what? If I’d waited more than another week on either, it likely would’ve become impossible due to external forces I don’t control.  There was no way to know that’d be the case at the time, but in retrospect it’s crystal clear.

Also, if you’ve decided something, and you’re sure it’s what you want, why wait?  So that you can talk yourself out of it and “be reasonable”?

Oh, I also replaced a workstation, bought a new laptop, and changed my wardrobe (plus coat).

*laughing*

 

It’s pretty amazing, normally I don’t average more than a few posts a year. Perhaps this means that the latter half of the year will be a silent wasteland?

It’s been a busy week so far. This is a good thing. I have to admit I don’t do well with the quiet moments these days. I seem to need overdrive or oblivion, and I end up quite discontented if I’m not at either extreme.

I’m not sure why this is, but it’s definitely not just my imagination. For example, I’m writing this aren’t I?

So far I’ve worked 12 hours, read 2 1/2 books, watched 3 shows, built 2 servers, set up a vpn, and tackled the usual flood of emails, IM’s and calls.

So why am I still on edge? I feel like I should be doing more. Am I on a time limit? Have I forgotten something that’s coming due?

Could it just be because another birthday looms? This one will be #37, which for some reason seems like a double-sized helping of years.

I’m not sure, I have more questions than answer this time around — there’s no special observational insight this time around I’m afraid.

I’ll leave you instead with something worthy of a little envy.

 

 

On my futon my cat Shamus sleeps.

He lays there, upside down and stretched out, without a care in the world.  From time to time I wander over and rub his belly. He doesn’t stir, or if he does, it’s to half open one eye before falling back to sleep.

How trusting he is!  How much I envy him is simple faith, while I still remain grateful that he has a home where that faith can survive undamaged.  I sometimes wish I had that.

I’m tired now, it’s been a long day, and the days are going to get longer.  Soon I too will rest and dream.

Maybe sleep will wash away some of this discontent.

 

I only manage to update this thing a few times a year.  If you’re reading this, you probably aren’t turning over any previously unrealized facts.

It’s been a busy year so far.  I’m still working hard to get on track.  It’s hard.

Turns out when you make a lot of money, the only way you can keep most of it is to not claim it as cash.  I find that pretty frustrating I have to admit.  I mean really, I earn the money through hard work, but I can’t keep more than half without jumping through hoops?

I’m grudgingly doing what’s required — it means my company ends up keeping most of the money, and I am now on a reduced income — it means also that my debt repayment is a lot slower, which thrills me to no end as you can imagine.

I’ve been really lucky this year for work.  I have additional work coming online next week.  I’ve put quite a bit of effort into getting more paying work — I still feel the same time pressures I always have, and they drive me to work harder in less time.

That requires paring life down to the bare essentials.  As a result, I don’t spend much time with friends, nor do I go through the motions that turn acquaintances into friends.  This isn’t because I don’t think the people are worth being friends with.  It’s because I think they deserve better than I’m able to offer.

I do sometimes wish that wasn’t the case, but I am a realist.  I can do what I’m doing now and reach my goals, OR I can have a rich life surrounded by good friends.  There isn’t enough time and attention for both though.  As a result, the only friends I’ve retained are the ones who can put up with this kind of unreliability.

Usually I’m too busy working to mind.  From time to time though, work drops off, and I feel an urge to chat — usually about things I’ve talked to death with Christina.  Guess what? A whole list of contacts, and no one I would message.

The price of my choices.

I’m hoping to reach my goals soon.  I swear, I won’t be doing this forever.

Until then I’ll keep busy.

 

I still wouldn’t get rid of this blog.

I end up coming back to it eventually.  Might be a month, or a year, or even longer.  I actually re-read what I’ve written, and it reminds me of who I was when I wrote it.  Invariably, it’s someone other than who I am now.

There’s a lot I haven’t written in here this year.  Doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, or that it didn’t matter.

I’ve done a bit of self censoring this year — mostly because I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to say, how to say it, or indeed, should I just keep my mouth shut?

I’ve quietly acknowledged the end of my friendship with Ben.  Took nearly 20 years, but we’re finally so radically different I can’t find common ground.  Even more, I don’t think I want to look.  By this point in my life there are just a few people from the old days I still talk to.  Funny how they’re not the people who were closest to me growing up.  Apparently my parents were right about the kind of people I was surrounding my self with.

I walked away from a friendship with Pia — her fault, my fault, whatever.  Doesn’t make her a bad person, but I also don’t regret my decision.  I’ll leave that as it stands, and I may come back to it later.

I cut all ties with Cindy.  That I don’t regret at all, and I’d do again in a second.  It actually came down to a single question.

Continue reading “For how little I post…”

 

It’s been a crazy busy time.

4 days a week on the new job I’m working at, 1 day a week in the Cloverpoint offices, plus all additional work shifted to mornings, evenings, and weekends.  Even still, I could use a bit more paying work I think.

Yesterday was a lot of fun.

I finally brought my car in for it’s regular servicing, only about 6 months late ;).  Seriously though, I hadn’t even reached the 18000 KM they say the car should be serviced at (it was just below 16000 km).  It checked out pretty well, with no obvious problems, and I have another 6 months before I should bring it in again.  With luck, I may even remember to :).

Christina and I made it to the cash and carry, I came away with a survival kit for my car, she ended up with a nice side table for her office.  I’m definitely going to have to go there every week, they change out their sale items rapidly, and I keep seeing things I want.

We also made it to a used book store while we were downtown, and we loaded up a backpack with books… enough that I’ll have a solid week of reading I think, and she has a few items to keep her busy too.

I picked up one of the new apple mice for her.. wow, I’ll admit it. I have envy.  I wonder if all the cool functions would work on a windows box?  Mind you, I’d need bluetooth on the desktop machines, which i don’t have… nah, it’ll keep.. Something to read about later.

After a huge meal (we were starving by this point) we stopped into the local Sleep Country.  I’d bought my last bed from them, but it’s getting older and starting to creak a bit, so we went looking for a nice memory foam bed.  Just browsing, honest!

An hour later, we’d bought a king sized memory foam bed, with all the goodies.  I’ll admit, the salesman was amazing.  The product was too, and since Christina also wanted it, that sealed the deal.  Maybe not the ideal time to buy, but on their payment plan it’s not unmanageable.

This also means that we can offer my mom a nice place to sleep, vs on a futon or air mattress (we didn’t have a bed in either of the two unused bedrooms).  The new bed gets delivered tomorrow, so we’ll be sleeping on the futon tonight, but that’s no real punishment.  Tonight at 6 we head for the airport to pick my mom up, she’ll be here for about a week.

Not a lot else to say at the moment, today’s all about moving furniture around, cleaning up the house a bit, and generally enjoying a weekend off.

d to remember to do this more often, I get so busy living life I don’t bother writing it down.  I do like reading about these times later though, my memory clears up nicely with a little prompting.

Off to play now.

 

ambition [æmˈbɪʃən]n

1.strong desire for success, achievement, or distinction

2. something so desired; goal; aim

I have it.  When the hell did that happen?

I wouldn’t have called myself an ambitious man growing up.  I had some ideas about what I wanted, but I wasn’t driven to accomplish them.  Mostly I just waited patiently for the things I wanted to come to pass, and rationalized if they didn’t.  Surely, since it didn’t happen, it obviously wasn’t meant to be right?

During my first marriage I found my drive, my determination.  Somewhat stumbling and hesitant true, but it raised me from where I’d been crouching down waiting, and put my feet on the right path.  It goaded me onward, to take a chance, to try something new, to make something of myself.  In a few short years I turned around to discover I’d exceeded all of my own expectations.  My future was bright, and my present was pretty good too.  Almost instinctively I put on the brakes and tried my hardest to maintain this state.

You see, any improvements come as a result of change.  The word improvement itself means “change something to make it better”.  That’s the rub really.  Change implies risk.  There’s no guarantee that reaching for the higher rung doesn’t result in slipping and smashing your nose on the ground.  Looking around you see people experiencing exactly that – they try, they fail, and they end up in a worse position.  But how much weight should that hold with you?  I mean seriously.  You’re not them.  They’re not you.  Your situation is unique, and your life choices are your own.  Just because someone else can’t ride a bike, doesn’t mean that no bike can be ridden.

It took being on my own again, where the risks were near par with the rewards to make a change, to leave my comfortable nest and strike out in a new city.  Had I learned anything?  Well, not a lot really.  I’d done something new finally, but more because I had less to lose, than because I had more to gain.

Fast forward now a few years.  Suddenly I’m making the decisions, instead of reacting to them.  I’ve found new things to do, and to learn.  I’m reaching for the next rung, even though there’s a chance I might slip.  I’m determined, and I have thrown myself into the struggle to make life better.

I’m no longer satisfied to stay in my comfort zone.  It’s warm and safe, true enough – but it doesn’t make me feel like I’m accomplishing things.  I can’t wait any longer for things to come my way.  Now I am searching for them, and I’m prepared to claim them as mine.

Ambition? Yeah, I’ve got it.  Watch out, here I come.