Category: Uncategorized

 

I guess it’s too much to hope that life could stay peaceful.

Work has accelerated again, and that’s ok. I’m falling behind, but everyone is so patient. I was going to go into work today, but passed on that to catch up on little life things like laundry and groceries, which I was falling behind on. I’ll probably go in to work tomorrow for a few hours, so that’s all ok.

C is about to be homeless, and in a moment of weakness I offered her a place in my space to crash. I call it a moment of weakness, and before you start feeling cold about that, let me explain why.

She’s got a boyfriend, he’s got an apartment. She’s got half a dozen friends who would keep her, and they have more space. Someone offered her a place to stay for a few weeks today even.

She decided she’d stay here. I haven’t made the offer again recently, because I was hoping she’d work everything out without me, but it looks like even though there are other options, she’s going to choose this one, and I’m afraid I’m lacking the harshness to tell her no. We’re really not compatible people, like flame and gasoline, we’re better in small doses.

I’m not comfortable sharing my space with anyone right now, it’s a small place, and it’s mine, and when I close the door and turn off the ringer on the phone it’s all mine, all safe. I don’t know if I want to give that up for just anyone right now. I made the offer though, so I’ll live with my choices, and I won’t let them bother me much further.

My biggest stress right now is concern for my cousin, A. She’s going through a hard time at the moment. It’s not every day that you hear the sound of someone’s mind shattering into a thousand little pieces, all hurting.

This will be the third time I’ve heard it clearly though. The first time was all mine, and for about 4 years I lived in a hell I’m unable to define better than a soul filled with crushed glass and salt. I nearly didn’t make it out, and even though it’s been years, I’m always watchful – and fearful.

The second time was with my cousin, J. He’s been broken for about 5 or 6 years now, and it’s looking very much like he’ll never recover from this. It hit him younger than it did me, and I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to pull him self out of it. I tried to help for a while, but I was not able to do anything permanent to help him recover. It all just slid off, nothing stuck, and he’s in the same broken place to this day.

Last night I called A. I knew right away something was wrong. In place of the cheerful, ever energetic person I’ve come to love, was a fractured stream of words, with pauses in strange places. That scared me – hell, it’s still scaring me.

This collapse has come suddenly, no more than 2 weeks I’d guess. It’s terrifying how quickly it can all come apart. I talked to my uncle, A, (yes yes, there are a lot of people in my family with the first letter A, get over it) and he’s been watching her fall apart, which is another kind of hell I can’t even imagine.

It was bad enough his son went through this, but now his daughter too. He’s suspecting it’s some kind of genetic weakness that helps to make this all possible, which brings me back around to the final point.

How much longer do I have to remain watchful, reigning in emotions and locking down actions, to keep the tides at bay? Is this something I’m going to have to fight again? Is it a failing I could pass on to my children?

I broke at 18. J broke at 15, and A broke now, at 28. It’s all the same thing again, a mind running in overdrive, like a runaway train without any brakes. It’s horrible.

I could just weep.

I’m going now, I’m going to phone her, and try and help her do battle with this, if I can.

I don’t know if it’ll help

but i have to try.

UPDATE:

Trying to help someone deal with a breakdown is like trying to glue teflon together. I’m not getting through, and I think her boyfriend isn’t trying to help her.

Every now and then in the conversation she’d say “It’s alright”, but it didn’t seem to mean anything, and it wasn’t connected to any other thought. Like a sneeze, a reflex action without any conscious thought behind it.

I’m worried for her, because I know how serious this can get. If she was well, she’d laugh it off, dismiss it as nothing, and even now I think she’s trying, but I’m not fooled.

I know what it sounds like.

I’m going to keep my eyes open, and be ready to help. I’ve been planning to visit in May anyway, I might just have to make an earlier trip.

I will if I need to. She’s my cousin, but she’s also my friend, and I’ll go the distance for the people I love.

Stay tuned.

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It’s been a while, and I’m short on time, but I thought I should drop in a line.

Life’s been busy. The lady I was interested in seems to be lukewarm when it comes to me, and I’ve backed off accordingly. She’s sweet, and she makes me laugh, but there’s nothing to be gained by pushing when she’s not interested.

Work has taken off (again). I have a full workload today, and have for every day for the past 2 weeks. I’ve even worked a bit on the weekends, though not as much as I should have.

We’re adding 40 people at work over the next month, so it is going to be “interesting times”. I didn’t get over to vancouver to see my mom while she was up due to the fact that every time I cleared my workload, they gave me more work, and all of it urgent.

I’m not complaining mind you, we talked a few times on the phone, and that was more conversation than we’ve had in a while (as a family, we don’t really keep in touch like we should). She’ll write me off and on throughout her travels, so I’m looking forward to that.

Things are quiet on the love-life front, but that’s ok for the moment, I really have been insanely busy, and I’d hate to ever give the impression to someone I was interested in that they’d have to play second fiddle to a job.

My raise came through in all it’s glory, and I’ve spent and spent, as is commonly the case. An ipod 2 weeks ago, and some car repairs next week, and that’ll eat up the raise plus a bit. Mind you, the repairs need to be done, and the ipod was for my sanity (it helps), so no real regrets. I’m still putting money away for my taxes, and as soon as J gets his done, I can do mine, and then I’ll know for sure how much I owe. I think I’m at the halfway mark for what I’ll need to pay, so I’m still furiously pouring money in, so I don’t get caught by suprise.

I’m still smoking, but I’m not smoking much, and I’ve started skipping meals I normally bought at work, and that’s a huge savings, plus the dietary changes are helping with my health. I’ve managed to take off about 7 pounds that I’d put on during christmas, and little by little I’m going to whittle it down to where I want to be, which is the point where all of my clothes fit properly (some are a little tighter than I’d prefer).

I’ve gotta run, it’s after 8, and there’s 8 computers waiting for me to work my magic, as well as several other projects which will need to be done before sunday. If I can manage to do them today, then I get a weekend!

A little birdy told me K was coming to the island in march, and I’m extremely excited. That’ll be a blast, it’s been such a long time. Luckily she’s coming after our main project is released to the public, so I should have a few days with no urgent work appearing right when she does.

Anyhow, cheers, I’m outa here.

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It’s first thing in the morning, and my first coffee is now an empty cup.

I’ve got flower on their way to H. I have to say I’m a little nervous.

I’d do it again in an instant though, no matter what happens.

I’ll let my actions be a mirror for my feelings, not a mask to hide me.

I have to.

I can’t hide forever.

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I was thinking in the shower tonight, and the subject tagline hit me.

The song that’s playing in my ears seems appropriate some how. It’s a good goal to reach for.

A life lived with no fear, and somewhere a clock is ticking. Time is passing, my goals won’t wait for me to work up the courage.

I had a nap today, and an awful dream.

I dreamed my ex reappeared, and took over my life, without asking.

It really made me see how much I value my independence now. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I was sitting on my balcony tonight, smoking a cigarette (yeah, I know, I quit a few months ago, leave it alone), and having a nice strong drink. I had my ipod on, headphones in my ears, and i closed my eyes, just listening to the music.

For once I didn’t feel like I needed to keep them open to keep track of what was going on, or to keep an ear open for the phone or some person.

It was awesome.

I’m going to send some flowers to the lady at the coffee shop monday, I think I’ll even put my name on the card.

Somewhere a clock is ticking.

I’m not going to wait.

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Sometime later this year I’m going to get a custom tshirt made.

It’ll be black, with white lettering, and will simply read:

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

I mentioned this to K, and to my cousin A, and they both seemed interested, so I think I’m going to end up getting a batch made.

Since I can’t leave it at that, here’s my reasoning…

People seem to spend all their time trying to look perfect to everyone else. Always strong, smart, funny, popular, what ever it is that people call important. I think it would be better if we all started with one simple fact… I’m NOT PERFECT. I never have been, I never will be, and therefore I do not need to pretend to be something I’m not to everyone around me. People will just have to accept me with all of my imperfections, and I will have to do the same for them.

Life is not a game. You shouldn’t get docked points for not matching up to an unreal expectation! Everyone should start with a clean slate, and everything about them should ADD to the whole, not take away.

I know there are people out there who could be good friends, lovers, role models, or teachers, but I’m not sure how to find them. Everyone hides who they really are behind a mask, and it’s to keep from getting hurt. But it makes it hard to really know the people you meet, to make any kind of connection.

So I’m going to make a tshirt, and I’m going to wear it! I’m no better than the other fakers really, I hide who I really am too, but I’m nearly at the point where I won’t be afraid to say it, to say

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

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Well, i survived the week. For a while there I wasn’t too sure.

Sunday the main development server died, monday saw the main windows server fail, and thursday the office firewall went south for the winter.

It was a bad week for technology. Somehow everyone made it through though, and that’s important.

I went through my performance review, and I did quite well. I even got a 23K raise, which is the biggest increase I’ve ever seen in my life. It’ll come in handy later this year when I have to pay all the taxes I didn’t pay last year.

Oh well. It’s only money, and it’s only ever a problem when you don’t have it and need it.

I met someone by the way. We’ve talked a few times, and I must admit, I enjoy speaking with her. Nothing definite has come out of this, but I’m somewhat optimistic. She’s a little young, but she’s very pretty, and extremely charming. Even if nothing else comes out of it, I think I’d like her as a friend. I actually had the chance to speak with her for more than 2 minutes yesterday, and I found her to be both honest and approachable. We’ll see what the future holds though.

I was going to go to work today, but I’m not really in the mood, I don’t really need to be there, and I’m feeling somewhat less motivated. It would make monday less crazy, but I don’t mind a little crazy. I’d much rather be busy than bored!

My mom is flying up from wherever she’s been for the past 6 months to spend a few weeks with my grandfather. I haven’t mentioned it, but I know the reason why. My parents are not coming back to canada for a few years, and he’ll be dead by then. As it is, he’s very old and quite frail. I should go see him, but I do not have the courage. I’d love to give some fancy excuse, but it’s just that.

Next weekend I’m going to Vancouver to see my mom for a few hours, that should be fun. I also may get the chance to see K! THAT will be extremely cool, it’s been like a year and a half.

I’m done here, I’ll write again.

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“I don’t like the sound of the look you’re giving me.”

Oh My God.

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I think my sanity check just bounced.

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I saw that in the paper today. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, the most depressing day of the year? Now?

Hardly.

I remember thinking “If this is as bad as the year gets, I can live with that”. I hope it’s the case, I can live with this. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not really a happy time right now, but it has been much, much worse.

I think the worst I have to face these days is loneliness. I’m still finding it really hard to meet people here. I still haven’t figured out how to turn strangers into friends. I’ve know people who can, they’re amazing, I’m secretly in awe of them.

But I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I’m awkward, like a child in his sunday best. I can’t make my face show what I’m feeling, so I think people think I don’t care.

I’ve looked in the mirror, and even the strongest feelings barely show. I can twist up my face, and then it finally looks like I’m a man with a heart not made of stone, but that feels false. It’s an effort, it’s a mask and not a mirror, and I can’t rely on my ability to make my face fake the feelings in my heart.

I’d like to say it’s something I’ll work on, that it’s not a problem, but seriously, who would I be fooling? Not me, not the people who know me. It’s become … IS a problem. I can’t seem to enjoy the company of people I admire, to tell them how important they really are to me, and how much I care.

It’s lonely.

That being said, the year has just started. I’m not quite ready to tuck myself into a ball in my closet, to wait for fairer seasons. I have dreams, and beautiful people are in them.

I think I’ll keep looking.

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Well, I think i’ll likely be stopping my old journal at
www.greenbtn.com, and starting one here. K talked me into it, and maybe
writing stuff here will mean I update it more than once a month or so.
Looking back at my old journal is weird. I’ve never been much for
writing things down, so it took me by suprise how much has changed. I
think I’m mostly the same person who wrote all those things, but I’m
not 100{99f4aabb8f9a8b7318031e7dd7e1d4d33a10ca1a288a083cef0cdea647a62112} sure.

I must admit I have to wonder what Tracy would think of me now. Would
she be suprised? Or merely indifferent? It doesn’t really matter
though, it’s been about 8 months since I heard from her last, and that
is a good thing. To be honest, it’s been a month since I thought of her
last, something about writing stuff down brings her back to mind.

Life’s good. It’s insane, but good. I’m at +3 weeks for a haircut, and
i’m feeling VERY shaggy. Hopefully I can sneak out today and bring it
back under control.

I love my job. That’s a funny thing to say, something I’ve normally
only heard in movies, but it’s so true. The people I work with are
nuts, every one of them. They work so many hours it’s terrifying, and
they’re extremely smart. I think I’d like to be more like them if/when
i grow up. 🙂

I’ve gotta run, work work work time.

I’ll add more later.

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