I don’t think 30000 days will be long enough.
Sage rabbit died today.
Sage died this morning, suddenly and in great pain.
The only possible mercy was that the end came swiftly. We were witnesses.
She’d been withdrawn for a few days, and we didn’t investigate. We’d had a few scares before when she wasn’t feeling well, and in some cases medicine and care were required.
This morning, there wasn’t time for any of that. We gave her a little water, we put her on Christina’s lap.. and I stepped away to use the washroom.
By the time I ran back hearing Christina shout.. it was Sage’s last few moments. Sprawled out on the floor, arms and legs limp, she had a few final spasms and was finally deathly still.
I’d put my hand on her as soon as I came in. I didn’t know if she’d feel it or care, but I couldn’t let her step into the dark afraid and totally alone.
My heart breaks thinking about how much pain she must have felt in those last moments, and how small and helpless she looked lying there.
I couldn’t let it out. I held Christina until she stopped weeping, and an hour later when the vet finally opened I called them to confirm they’d take her for cremation. I kept it together as I put her in a small box and closed the lid, then brought her to the car, then from home to the vet, from my car to their hands.
I made it home, even though I was shaking. I waited for it all to hit me.
It didn’t, and I continued with the day, exercise, work and the like, until finally this evening.
It’s only now that I can finally write this down I feel the tears run down my face. Sage was our companion for a decade. I’ve had friendships — I’ve had relationships shorter than that.
A decade is a long time. In her case, it was a lifetime, and my world is lessened with her passing.
I know this isn’t the last time this kind of thing will happen. There are still 3 others in the house who are near the same age.
In time they’ll all be gone too.
I feel this life will break my heart.
simplicity
Sometimes the phone rings and I immediately tense up.
Today was one of those days. My cellphone rang. It rarely rings these days, and most of the time the callers are spam I send straight to voicemail.
Today it was a call that read ‘Cathy Greengrass’ on the display. I am not ashamed to admit I took a deep breath before answering.
We’re not close in the same way other families are close, so it’s pretty rare for calls to occur ‘just because’. There’s almost always some reason for the call (I do it too). The phone shouldn’t be ringing. Travel plans for her to visit in September have already been communicated, and adjustments would be noted via email. It’s not anyone’s birthday this week. I can’t think of anything they’d need to ask me.
That means it’s something they have to tell me.
I immediately thought ‘Which one of them is sick or has died?’. Yes, terrible I know, but we’re all aging at the same pace, and there are less days ahead than behind. We all know that, and it’s been the topic of some previous conversations.
It’s my dad on the line. Ok, so not him thankfully. With his heart issues, he seemed like the most likely. Mom’s tough, and from his tone when he says hello, it’s not her – he’d be shaken in a way you can’t hide.
It’s Austin. My uncle – his brother. He’s died.
My mind went blank. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.
Austin wasn’t always the easiest person to be around. He was intense. He was opinionated. At times he could even be a real grouch. He had some valid reasons. He had his share of bad luck. He had several other people’s share too.
This year his life was turning around. He was a short distance from some really heartbreaking unfairness finally getting sorted out. He’d patched up things with his son. He had plans still to execute on.
Now he’s gone.
I hope the end came quietly and without pain. I feel sympathy for his younger children, who’ll grow up without him. I regret we didn’t talk more.
Rest in peace.
Forever don’t seem long enough
Burn your finger playing with fire
But you never know until you try
Come on let’s go there, let’s jump right in
We will rope swing to river swim
Virginia naked in the rain
You make me feel like a kid again
Don’t want to say goodbye to you
Summer always ends too soon
But you never know until you try
Come on let’s go there, let’s jump right in
We will rope swing to river swim
Virginia naked in the rain
You make me feel like a kid again
Don’t want to say goodbye to you
Summer always ends too soon
Whatever you want, I will give you that
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever doesn’t seem long enough
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever doesn’t seem long enough
I will capture your flame
Take a rocket ship to the moon and back
We’ll build castles in the riverbank
Don’t ever grow up too fast
We’ll turn up the music and dance
Yeah, we’ll turn up the music and dance
Take a rocket ship to the moon and back
We’ll build castles in the riverbank
Don’t ever grow up too fast
We’ll turn up the music and dance
Yeah, we’ll turn up the music and dance
Whatever you want, I will give you that
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever doesn’t seem long enough
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever doesn’t seem long enough
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever
I will hold you up over my head
Spread your wings and fly through the air
Baby don’t grow up too fast
Let’s turn up the music and dance and dance and dance
Virginia naked in the rain
You make me feel like a kid again
Spread your wings and fly through the air
Baby don’t grow up too fast
Let’s turn up the music and dance and dance and dance
Virginia naked in the rain
You make me feel like a kid again
Whatever you want, I will give you that
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Whatever you want, I will give you that
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever don’t seem long enough
Tell me we won’t grow old too fast
Let’s make believe this is gonna last
Forever don’t seem long enough
Forever don’t seem long enough
I will hold you up over my head
Spread your wings and fly through the air
Don’t grow up too fast
Baby, don’t grow up too fast
Spread your wings and fly through the air
Don’t grow up too fast
Baby, don’t grow up too fast
That moment came around again.
I was listening to a song, and I was really enjoying it. You know that euphoria you get when you’re really happy? Songs can take me there.
So I was listening to this song, and I had a moment where I thought “You know, one day it’ll be over, I’ll be gone, and I’ll never hear this song, or feel this way again. Indeed, it’ll be like I never was.”
A wave of protest, of feeble hope and indignant response to the general unfairness that is the mortal coil.
A little wave, but I’m not gigantic, and for that moment it washed over me and it was all around me. A breath, and then another. It passes, and I’m again in control, the monkey is back in his cage, and I’m shouting “Shut up!” as I slam the cage door.
The urge to hang on to life tooth and nail must eventually give way with some grace and dignity, as all things pass. I keep reminding myself of that. It must, otherwise my only choice is madness and delusion, clutching at straws that aren’t even there. I can’t accept that.
I can’t accept it when other people lie to me, I can’t accept lies from myself. Not even the ones masquerading as mercy.
Treadmills
Average life of a treadmill – 3 to 4 years.
Insurance/service plans for treadmills – worthless, as they don’t answer the phone.
Time to buy a new one. Kind of sad how quickly it goes from ‘that’s a funny noise’ to ‘oh damn, i hope it lasts until the new one comes’.
Ownership costs work out to roughly $2 per day for the expected lifespan of the unit, which is not completely terrible.
This gives me a weird little tickle in my throat.
Damn, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy listening to Dave Matthews.
Snow Patrol
Well damn.
This has happened to me a few times over the past few weeks.
I’ll be doing something, and something interesting, or successful, or fun will occur… and I realize other than my wife, there’s nobody to tell.
Previously, this would go onto facebook. Maybe it’d get a comment or a like.. sometimes it wouldn’t get anything, and yet I’d still treat it like I’d ‘told’ someone.
Now? Not so much. Let it go.