Author: Aaron

Oh god, I have to write something here.  I’ll try to get through it, preferably without bursting into tears again.

This morning Rosey moved from her play space back into her cage, near her water.  She wasn’t very alert, and wasn’t always aware when I touched her.

She found a comfortable position braced against a corner of the cage, and spent most of the day dozing.  Around 2 though she was fully sprawled out.  She started seizing.  I hope she wasn’t conscious by this point.  I called Christina, and she came over and sat with Rosey.

I won’t lie, I couldn’t do it this time.  I had to walk away, and tears were streaming down my face.

It took about 30 minutes from first seizure until her last breath.  If there’s any mercy in the world at all, I pray she didn’t feel any of it.  It was horrifying though, her body struggling to last just one more moment.. and failing to.

It took some time for me to be able to speak without my voice breaking uncontrollably.  I finally managed to call the vet, and we took her in for cremation.  I couldn’t bear to leave her there untended for a single moment.

When we came back we spent time taking down her cage and removing her pen.  Nobody else will ever use those things now that she’s gone.  If we ever have another rabbit, they’ll get a new environment.

Now my space is uncomfortably empty.  The space she occupied … she’s been there since we moved here in 2014.  There’s never been a moment there wasn’t a rabbit in that space, and it breaks my heart that now the space stands vacant.

I’ve made it this far with just a few tears. I’m stopping while I can.

2020 has been a shitshow.

I’m rapidly running out of news sources I can bear to read.  Events occurring are unbelievable.

The US is on fire.  Literally and figuratively, as people’s rage finally outweighs their fear and what little respect was left, and they rise up.  In another time there might’ve been people in power willing to take the long road to reconciliation, even if it was only hollow words meant to calm the beast and lead it back to it’s cage.

Not at this point.  The violence increases, and the people become more angry, not less.  This is a game of one-upmanship which can only ever end badly.  The people are getting bloodied, and that is causing more people to finally stop ignoring what a section of the population has had to endure for the whole history of the country.

The coronavirus is still out there, still mutating, still a real and present danger.  The people out there trying to get someone, anyone to change the way things are — they’re at greater risk now than ever before.  First from this virus which thrives in crowds and contact, and second from the very real weaponry arrayed against them.

I can’t bear to watch.  I can’t look away.  It’s heartbreaking.

It’s been a weird year so far.

Obviously, COVID-19 is turning the year into a dumpster fire globally.

People are showing their true character. Some are heroes. Some are survivors.

Some are narcissists. Some are monsters. Some are anarchists.

It’s a good time to stay away from people. Not only because hey, COVID could kill you, but also because hey, they could kill you. It’s not as bad here compared with a lot of other places, but there are still people who struggle and argue against sane precautions.

For us though, little has changed. I can’t say *nothing* has changed, that’s not true. Grocery shopping is now online shopping, and that’s been a rollercoaster. Our normal weekend outings and weekday takeout, also put on extended hold.

Other than that.. it’s all pretty normal. It’s not like we are highly social individuals, and we both enjoy this home we’ve made. If it wasn’t for seasonal allergies I’d say there’s little to personally complain about.

Allergies however provide ample fuel for complaints. I remember not having a plugged nose. I believe it was *last September*! I’m hoping it passes.

We have a fair amount of home maintenance work to do this year, that’s unchanged. Luckily for us we have a contractor who is working during this period, so fences will continue to get mended (and extended) and the concrete pad for shed #2 will be placed.

2 more buildings on our property – a shed and a gazebo, and we’ll be ‘done’ adding structures. Only the shed will get built this year however, but it’ll keep us busy this summer – these are nontrivial, and even when it’s build it still needs to be sealed, painted, insulated and have a path carved into the yard.

Gosh, I’m getting tired just thinking about it 😀

Sometimes I’m sure.

The older I get, the more I find revisiting memories similar to watching a bad movie again. “What? What the hell just happened? No, don’t do that! Look, he did that, what the hell?”

There are some old memories like that, but more recent ones. That could be because memories fade, and I can only clearly remember the recent events. It could be it’s become more common as I get older — that too wouldn’t be too surprising.

I need to keep an eye on it, which is surprisingly hard to do from the inside, especially when it all seems rational in the moment.

One day I may have to do something about this.

For now I’m making do with a sign on my desk.

It reads

Remain calm
and
pause
before speaking
don’t rush.

I would do well to let it catch my eye more often, perhaps paired with another that simply reads

Count to ten