Author: Aaron

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K.

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I can only take so much “wah, poor me!” from myself before I get over it. It's a learned reflex I guess, from those times thankfully long past. I refuse to let bad thoughts sink their teeth into me, I know as well as anyone how tightly they can hang on if they get a firm grip. After a while, it becomes nearly impossible to break free, and that's a special kind of hell.

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My moment of self-pity has passed.

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I'm going to call it a night. I have to try to make it into the office sometime tomorrow to get some work done, and I'm planning on sleeping in. Soo… the sooner I sleep, the longer I sleep 🙂

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I think I'm going to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow. I quite like what I picked out. Some new shirts and pants, more than anything they're clothes I think I can be comfortable wearing. Stylish? I doubt it, that's one of those words I don't quite get.

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Even if I did, I think I'd rather choose clothes that are comfortable to wear, and comforting to my eyes, over “what's in”.

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I'd rather be me, than a copy of someone else!

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G'Night!

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Today was totally unproductive.

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Not that I didn't do a lot today mind you.

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I went to a gathering at J's this afternoon, and played with his daughter (which never fails to cheer me up). I went shopping, and bought some more clothes, all much needed. That brings me up to about a week's worth of clothes total, which is the most clothes I've had in the last 2 years. I even bought slippers! My feet have finally stopped complaining about the cold!

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Oh, and laundry, great piles of laundry, which means I'll be able to go out DRESSED (always a good thing, it's still a bit nippy out!)

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I finally got around to eating more than a snack for the first time in the last few days, and I'm feeling a bit better for it. I locked down a few servers, and did a little work email.

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My diet/stress/overwork is starting to pay off, I'm 9 pounds lighter than when this all started, which is a good start.

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A has been off the radar for most of this week, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure she's avoiding me, but I've been so high stress I haven't had a chance to check up on her.

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It's quiet here.

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I miss having people to phone. That's the problem with moving as many times as I have. You leave your enemies behind, but you also leave your friends as well.

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Not much I can do about it right now mind you. I'm in that awkward in-between place, where the old crowd has lost touch, but new associations haven't been made yet.

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I'm complaining, and I know it. It's hard to meet people here. Maybe the same is true everywhere, but I've been surrounded by friends up until last February, and before I met them I had Tracy. Going back further, I was in the middle of a group of friends who I'd known for years. So it's been about 12 years since I've been in this kind of a position, and I've gotta admit I'm not really enjoying it.

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Don't get me wrong. People know me. My co-workers respect me, and the people I meet in my day-to-day life generally get along with me.

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At 1 o'clock in the morning, when the quiet voice of uncertainty is biting you, who do you call? For the moment, none of the people who are involved in my life are the person I would call.

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I don't like where this journal is going. I'm going to stop and go away, and hopefully come back armed and armored, and ready to face what's next with more optimism.

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It'll get better – no. I'll get better.

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This is just a moment, it will pass.

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They always do.

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Random thought for the day:

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yay, be my friend
I'm loyal and i don't shed

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Weird day.

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First, the main file server jammed up. Then the network failed. Then the main webserver took a dive, and the mailserver decided to take a vacation. THEN I actually went into the server room a took a good look and freaked out. What a mess!

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This in the middle of shuffling offices.

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Then 2 ladies I know were being unusually friendly. Enough friendly I noticed, and it weirded me out.

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Do I smell different today?

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I finally dragged myself out of work around 5:30, and it was dragging. Too much excitement, I was tired enough that driving home was a little scary. Before I left, the server due monday went south for the winter, so it looks like I'm spending part of tomorrow in the office building it's replacement.

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Other than that, the day was pretty good. I'm sticking at 1 cigarette during a standard work day, which is a much needed break, and more than enough smoking. I imagine I'll probably quit again sometime sooner or later, but for the moment it's a lot better than freaking out.

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Informal review also today, which went well, it was done by good people, friends, so they listened without judging, which is a comfort.

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Also, it turns out I'm on call for the next 96 hours. I didn't quite expect it, but I was planning on doing some work this weekend anyway, so it's not a major inconvenience, unless of course it happens that the call comes in at 3am, in which case I'll just die.

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C was planning on visiting tonight, but I've managed to avoid her thusfar, mostly by being extremely busy. I'm more uneasy around her as time goes on, I don't entirely trust her intentions, and I'm not at all interested in getting involved with someone with a personality that much in odds with my own. No thank you, I had enough of that when I was married.

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I've been following several other people's journals, and I'm glad I've taken the time. Reading them have cheered me up immensely, some of them are so funny!

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A shame I don't know any of them, but I do enjoy the chance to see into their lives none the less.

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I'm going to go now, it's time to watch something mindless.

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I may write more later.

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I'm getting cold feet.

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I don't mean I'm having second thoughts, or I'm uncomfortable with the actions I've chosen. I'm serious. Cold feet.

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When I packed up all my stuff in nelson, I took a car load with me. I gave nearly everything else away, but the stuff I didn't give away or take I stored at a friend's place. In one of the boxes, my slippers.

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I've been living a year without any slippers, and everytime I go outside I think “Damn, my feet are cold!”.

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Yet I still haven't bought any new ones, despite the fact that slippers aren't really expensive. It's not that I'm seriously hooked on my old pair. I mean, they were nice, and they fit fine, but they're not something I have a significant attachment to.

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Still, I haven't bought any. How much are we slaves to habit? I keep thinking I should buy some, but I keep waiting until I can go and pick up MY pair. *sigh*

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New topic. A screwdriver's more than a tool.

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In this case, it's a tasty drink, and one of the less nasty ways to drink a lot in a small amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bottle-a-night kind of person, or even a bottle a month some months. I just don't like beer, and I've pretty much burned out on most other drinks years and years ago.

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Talked to H today, she finally moved into her new place, and seems much happier. We (again) only talked for a few minutes, but this time it was due to the serious migraine that was kicking my ass at the time. I even had to leave work early, that was a pain. Luckily, I'd done everything but one job which isn't due until monday, and I'll have tonnes of time to do it tomorrow.

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On yet another topic, the public beta finally came out! WTF you say? This — > http://browser.netscape.com/nsb/

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Why am I mentioning this? http://www.betanews.com/article/Outsourced_Netscape_Merges_Firefox_IE/1101831853

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That's why. It's reviewing well, as it should.

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I'd love to say lots about it, but I think the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) is still binding, so besides providing the links and a serious WOOT, I likely can't say anything else at least until the package goes final.

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I can say Merc is the best place to work in the industry, and I feel damn lucky to be a part of the team. Who would've imagined 2 years ago I would've come so far?

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Mmm…

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Ipod.

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Winamp.

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Ipod+winamp=huge music shuffle not taking up precious drive space.

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Sweet!

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I'm writing a lot more here than normal. Maybe it's not a normal time.

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Today was stressful, i brought my car in for repairs, and I always get antsy when things are up in the air. At the 11th hour things all finally worked out, and I got it back, running well, with doors that even close properly!

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Work was busy, and somehow I didn't get as much done as I'd wanted. Maybe it was the constant flow of people who needed help? It's not a big deal though, the work I did on the weekend has kept me ahead of the curve, and I've every intention of staying there!

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I haven't heard from A tonight, and I'm still concerned, but it doesn't help for me to be pushing all the time, that won't fix anything, and could just make things worse.

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I'm keeping an ear peeled (figuratively, yuk!) for the phone, in case I'm needed, otherwise my night is my own. I finally finished the book I started Sunday, “Flash” by L.E. Modesitt. It was a solid read, though I think it lacked a certain something I'm unable to quantify. I'm still reading Legacy of Heorot, 2 other Modesitt books, and a couple of A.D. Foster books, but life has been busy enough that I'm not averaging better than a book every 2 days.

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I'm still running on a low food, high stress diet, and I've somehow managed to avoid injuring anyone yet. I should really just work out a plan and stick to it, but I'm lackadaisical at the thought of building plans, I'd rather do than plan at this point in my life.

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I've been reading a lot of other people's journals, and it's so nice. Some are a source of endless amusement, others prompt me to think a bit more. Everywhere I go I leave a trail of comments behind me.

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I think I'm going to try writing a little more this weekend, it would be great to get at least one more chapter on paper. It's been such a long time since I've picked up the story, but it's still echoing in my mind at the strangest times.

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I'm going to stop now. Somewhere, there's a cup of tea with my name on it. I'm going to go find it now.

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I should know better than to drink that much before setting my alarm clock.

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I managed to not only not set my wakeup time, but also to turn the alarm from radio to buzzer (which would have resulted in destruction of the unit if it HAD gone off).

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Needless to say, I woke up at 9:25, and my reaction was not something printable. I managed to get to work by about 10:15, and didn't bother with coffee all day. It's amazing how fast the day can go by without the morning caffeine jolt.

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C is asking for even more help from me, and very much in danger of bungling up her relationship even further. I've been trying to take a step back, so she can work this out without me, but she's not letting up.

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I need to be firmer, but I do worry about being cruel.

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Tomorrow I get my car fixed up, which will be a real treat. I think I've put enough money aside to pay for this, but I won't know for sure until the final bill comes down.

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I'm about done for now, unless something interesting happens in the next 2 hours.

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Cheers.

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Today was fun.

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I went to work for a few hours, and got most of the work done, which means monday will be less rushed.

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I called my grandma, and we had a little chat. I always forget, but she's very much like coarse sandpaper, she tends to scrub away the top layer of imaginings, and it usually stings a bit. I don't know exactly what I expected, but it was worth talking to her, if only to clear my head.

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I finally got around to the drink I was going to have on friday, before everything got really messed up. I'm actually still working on it, and I'm sensing at least one more lurking around the corner. Who knows?

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I've decided, I'm going to get back into my book, like I got back into my exercise routine. Something I read in someone else's LJ convinced me it's long past time to put my words down on paper.

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Mind you, I don't know if starting it now would be the best idea, unless I'm planning to turn it into a semi-literate comedy half way through!

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“We try to say with confidence
That were picking up oblivion
And I was tryin to make some sense
Speaking to you

We try to say with confidence
That were picking up oblivion
Inside of you
“

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I should know better than to write after a drink or two, but I'm here, and I don't have anything better to do. I'm sure it will be something to look back on and wince, but as with all entries, I'm not much interested in after-the-fact editing. I am who I am, and if I was going to write things then erase them, I'd be better of not starting.

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I'm going to keep this shorter than most of the recent entries, I'm giving too much away, some things should require meeting me, and time, and some serious digging. Unearthing all of it now takes the mystery out of it.

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Totally off topic thought. I said this to a person I know recently…

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“I think I'd rather wear my heart on my sleve, all exposed, all bared for everyone to see. That way they could see it when they break my heart.”

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Actually, maybe that's exactly on topic, now that I think of it. I think I'm going to find this all a fascinating read a year from now.

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I'm going to go find that other drink, where ever it's hiding.

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G'night

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Wow.

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I wrote way more than I'd intended yesterday. It was a day for introspection and no small amount of freaking out. I'm a lot calmer now though.

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Going to work in about half an hour, yeah, it's sunday, so what? I don't have anything better to do at the moment, and there's work I can do today which will make tomorrow easier.

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I also picked up my book again last night. By my book I mean the one I'm writing. I started it 2 years ago, and then my life kind of fell apart, so it got put on long term hold. I did a little more on it last night, and rediscovered how very difficult it is to write.

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Mind you, I also read part of the book again (it's about 50 pages so far), and went wow, I wrote that? I can see parts that are awkward, but over all it's not too bad.

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I might be the only person who'll ever read this, or I might not, but I'm putting the first chapter in just below this comment.

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If nothing else it'll serve as a marker point, a grand leap backwards into the mind of the person I used to be.

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———- QSD CHAPTER 1 —————

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Chapter One

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It was in retrospect, as is often the case; it occurred to him that this might not have been the best idea after all.

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The sun was nearing the horizon, and from the other direction he could see what looked like angry storm clouds on the move. The wind had picked up within the last hour, stirring the dust with reckless abandon.

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Thomas looked down at his shovel, and the hole he'd been digging. The soil here was mostly gravel, with just enough muck holding it together to make it slow work. With every shovelful more debris fell into the hole, forcing him to make it larger than originally planned.

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The mountainside was beautiful.

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He could see it in his mind's eye from the pictures he'd taken over the last couple of months. A single mountain, set in the middle of plains and rolling hills that stretched as far as the eye could see. Beaten, weathered, with two fractured and snow covered peaks rising above the land. Tall trees took root almost to the snow line. The mountain commanded an impressive view of the landscape. It was quite possible to see the entire county from it on a clear day.

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Hikers, climbers and naturalists considered this place a home away from home. It was one of the few places you could walk all day in the height of summer, and not get eaten alive by bugs. Indeed, there did not seem to be any insects at all, anywhere near or on the mountain.

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The southern face was not the same; a large piece was missing. In its place a depression- seemingly carved out of the rock, only thirty feet at its deepest, but stretching a half a mile in diameter, and nearly 300 yards back in to the mountain, it seemed very much out of place.

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It too was beautiful, in its own way, but no trees grew here, just moss and tiny flowers, yellows and whites, which blanketed this place from early spring to late fall. Even that seemed a stretch; the soil seemed to lack the ingredients necessary to grow anything.

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At times the villagers climbed this mountain to the lowest part of the hole, named Caverna Quasso “The Shattered Cave”, and brought flowers back from it. Despite the efforts of some very good gardeners, the flowers always died with a few days. These flowers were seen nowhere else in the county, thin and fragile looking they still managed to grow and thrive in the worst weather a mountain can deliver.

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Too he could see his dig site, smack dab in the middle of this space, a low hill whose base he had visited only in pictures before. Low and rounded, it somehow seemed the right place to start this foolish endeavor. A trail of holes like giant footprints seemed to follow his path around the base of the hill to his current position on top of it.

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“But no amount of remembering will get this damn hole dug,” he muttered to himself, as he slung yet another spade full out of the hole. “I've been at this for nearly 3 hours now, it's getting late. I'm sore, tired, and starting to get cranky. I don't even know why I came up here, or what I expect to find. I swear, if I don't find something soon-“

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CLINK!

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Just then his shovel hit something that did not make the same noises he'd been hearing for hours. It sounded… metallic? Surely no one would bury treasure halfway up a mountainside.

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“Now what do we have here hmmm?” Moving faster now to force the dirt from the hole- to see what he'd discovered, he found that while he still couldn't make out what it was through the muck and gravel, he could see it was large.

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20 minutes later he had a space almost two feet square and three deep hitting the object. He leaned the shovel against the side of the hole, and started digging with spade and brush. The storm was closing fast and the wind had risen. Dust and dirt were starting to swirl around him as the light faded.

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I guess it’s too much to hope that life could stay peaceful.

Work has accelerated again, and that’s ok. I’m falling behind, but everyone is so patient. I was going to go into work today, but passed on that to catch up on little life things like laundry and groceries, which I was falling behind on. I’ll probably go in to work tomorrow for a few hours, so that’s all ok.

C is about to be homeless, and in a moment of weakness I offered her a place in my space to crash. I call it a moment of weakness, and before you start feeling cold about that, let me explain why.

She’s got a boyfriend, he’s got an apartment. She’s got half a dozen friends who would keep her, and they have more space. Someone offered her a place to stay for a few weeks today even.

She decided she’d stay here. I haven’t made the offer again recently, because I was hoping she’d work everything out without me, but it looks like even though there are other options, she’s going to choose this one, and I’m afraid I’m lacking the harshness to tell her no. We’re really not compatible people, like flame and gasoline, we’re better in small doses.

I’m not comfortable sharing my space with anyone right now, it’s a small place, and it’s mine, and when I close the door and turn off the ringer on the phone it’s all mine, all safe. I don’t know if I want to give that up for just anyone right now. I made the offer though, so I’ll live with my choices, and I won’t let them bother me much further.

My biggest stress right now is concern for my cousin, A. She’s going through a hard time at the moment. It’s not every day that you hear the sound of someone’s mind shattering into a thousand little pieces, all hurting.

This will be the third time I’ve heard it clearly though. The first time was all mine, and for about 4 years I lived in a hell I’m unable to define better than a soul filled with crushed glass and salt. I nearly didn’t make it out, and even though it’s been years, I’m always watchful – and fearful.

The second time was with my cousin, J. He’s been broken for about 5 or 6 years now, and it’s looking very much like he’ll never recover from this. It hit him younger than it did me, and I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to pull him self out of it. I tried to help for a while, but I was not able to do anything permanent to help him recover. It all just slid off, nothing stuck, and he’s in the same broken place to this day.

Last night I called A. I knew right away something was wrong. In place of the cheerful, ever energetic person I’ve come to love, was a fractured stream of words, with pauses in strange places. That scared me – hell, it’s still scaring me.

This collapse has come suddenly, no more than 2 weeks I’d guess. It’s terrifying how quickly it can all come apart. I talked to my uncle, A, (yes yes, there are a lot of people in my family with the first letter A, get over it) and he’s been watching her fall apart, which is another kind of hell I can’t even imagine.

It was bad enough his son went through this, but now his daughter too. He’s suspecting it’s some kind of genetic weakness that helps to make this all possible, which brings me back around to the final point.

How much longer do I have to remain watchful, reigning in emotions and locking down actions, to keep the tides at bay? Is this something I’m going to have to fight again? Is it a failing I could pass on to my children?

I broke at 18. J broke at 15, and A broke now, at 28. It’s all the same thing again, a mind running in overdrive, like a runaway train without any brakes. It’s horrible.

I could just weep.

I’m going now, I’m going to phone her, and try and help her do battle with this, if I can.

I don’t know if it’ll help

but i have to try.

UPDATE:

Trying to help someone deal with a breakdown is like trying to glue teflon together. I’m not getting through, and I think her boyfriend isn’t trying to help her.

Every now and then in the conversation she’d say “It’s alright”, but it didn’t seem to mean anything, and it wasn’t connected to any other thought. Like a sneeze, a reflex action without any conscious thought behind it.

I’m worried for her, because I know how serious this can get. If she was well, she’d laugh it off, dismiss it as nothing, and even now I think she’s trying, but I’m not fooled.

I know what it sounds like.

I’m going to keep my eyes open, and be ready to help. I’ve been planning to visit in May anyway, I might just have to make an earlier trip.

I will if I need to. She’s my cousin, but she’s also my friend, and I’ll go the distance for the people I love.

Stay tuned.

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