Author: Aaron

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Oh my good god. I'm so sick.

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A fever's been brewing for a few days now, and it finally hit with full force today at work. The whole package, shakes, fever, and coughing and sneezing fits. I JUST managed to drive home around 1, when it finally got to be too much for me, and I nearly t-boned some poor motorist.

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It's my own fault though, I've been putting in a lot of extra time recently, not giving myself time to recover, and it's finally caught up with me.

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It's been a busy week. My workshop's built, my programming work is nearly done, and I'm getting two junior techs (i picked them!)

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Mind you, I bypassed the entire HR hiring chain, so I'm well on my way to making enemies. But I figure, who knows my job better than me? I don't need someone who understands management politics, I need someone who understands COMPUTERS.

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I feel like I've been beaten evenly over every part of my body. It's extremely painful. It's making it hard to concentrate.

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I'm going to go lie down.

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Much to say, much has happened.

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But I'm going to put it on hold until the weekend, where I *should* be getting 1 glorious day off.

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In brief:

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Too much work, I'm falling behind and letting people down.
My junior flunky's been delayed by evil HR director, 2 weeks until I see him, minimum, and one more week till he's useful.
My alternate flunky is held up in management also.
My sleep schedule's fried.
I'm down to 195lb and falling, eating even half what I used to sent me home with aweful stomach pains.
I'm developing software now, and I've worked more than enough overtime to be entertained.
My technician area at work should be ready tomorrow.
I'm very tired.
I'm going now.

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I feel down.

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I'm not sure why. I've been eating and sleeping enough. My work life is not unpleasant. I don't really have any reason to be down in the dumps.

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But I am. I can't seem to shake it. It's giving me a headache. A pain behind my right eye that's gnawing away at my happy thoughts.

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I'm going to stop now.

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I'm a little tired.

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It's been an exhausting day. I didn't get out of the office until about 7 tonight, and tomorrow's looking like it's going to be much, much longer.

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I've got a project deliverable sunday morning, which means this weekend's a writeoff. That's no big deal mind you, I didn't have any serious plans for it. I'm getting my new work laptop tomorrow, which means I'm going to stop packing my own equipment around. That will be very nice, my laptop's getting a little worn…

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I got paid today. 10 minutes later I'd allocated all of the money to my various needs, and I'm down to my last hundred dollars or so. It's going to be belt tightening time for the next 15 days, but then I'll finally have my tax money put away, and I can …. start saving for car insurance and my vacation!

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*sigh*

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It could always be worse. I could be totally cash-poor, and unable to pay my debts. As it is, it's just a matter of time before it's all done, then it's done once and for all.

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I had a bit of a foot in mouth experience today. I offered P (girl) a piece of gum while I was talking to L (guy). I was slow putting it away, and L piped up. “No thanks man, I don't want any.”

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“I wasn't offering you any” I responded, with a semi-smirk (I wasn't serious, I was just bugging him).

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“What if I had bad breath though?” he said “What would you do then?” Without even thinking about it, I said “I hadn't planned on getting that close to you.”

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“Oh, so you WERE planning to get that close to P then? Gonna put the moves on her eh?”

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Gaah. I couldn't stop laughing long enough to come up with a good reply! Some days are just like that.

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199LB.

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You heard me.

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The combination of diet, stress, work and stress has finally dropped the worst of the christmas season.

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It's taking longer than I'd like though. Not that I'm particularly patient mind you. I guess it be harder if I was shopping like I normally do, having a house full of food waiting to spoil makes it hard to be careful and watchful. Luckily I'm still in “just-buy-what-you-need” mode, so the choices, while fairly tasty, don't scream an urgency to perform serious acts of gluttony.

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We just opened up another office this week, which means I've been running, patching network cables and computer problems, and dealing with a never ending stream of questions. It wouldn't be too bad, but I've allocated about 390{99f4aabb8f9a8b7318031e7dd7e1d4d33a10ca1a288a083cef0cdea647a62112} of my available time. See, I thought I was dropping some of the 17 jobs I do now soon, so I signed on to 3 major projects. As it turns out, no, I'm keeping them all. So 20 jobs. Goddamn.

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For example. I had a meeting at 3:30pm downstairs with 7 people. At the same time I had a meeting upstairs with 12 people. In the middle of this, tech support, network re-wiring (on the fly, I don't recommend it), arranging wiring with an electrician, and shelving and benches with a carpenter (he skipped out, which sucks, it was MY area he was going to build!)

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I'm probably just low-bloodsugary right now, which always makes me cranky. I shouldn't be. Life is EXCITING! There's so much to do, and so much of it is new and challenging. It's so much better than the last job I had, I can't really stay complaining for long. I'd rather be doing this.

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I'm going to have to find some… wow, that was a freudian slip. I started writing someone. I'd meant to write someTHING. Funny how the mind sneaks stuff in eh?

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I think I'm going to stop right now, this line of thought doesn't need to be followed right now.

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More tomorrow.

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Thank god for music. The sound pushes back the dark thoughts.

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I feel very even keel tonight. My mind is foggy, unlike the night, which is clear and calm. I don't really have anything important to say tonight, so I'm just going to ramble. Tune out if you want to.

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I've been thinking a lot about words recently. Not a specific word, like “love” or “hate” (as if things were ever that black and white), but more words in general. They have a rhythm that moves in my head when they're put in the right order. Let me provide an example…

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“Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.” (From Max Ehrmann's “Desiderata”)

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I find myself thinking about words like those as I drift off to sleep. Sometimes it's so very hard to hold on to that centering. In the middle of a busy day it's as thin as mist, and on nights like these it's more real than the chair I'm sitting in. I sometimes wish I could hang on to the rhythm the words provide at those times I need them most, but that's the way it goes.

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I think I'm going to be just fine. For the longest time I wasn't really sure. Such little problems, so insignificant when compared to all the good things. Like a million mosquitoes attacking an elephant, enough to make the outcome no sure thing. I think it's all ok. For today at least I can see the path my footsteps will take for the near future, and I'm not displeased. As with all things, there is no perfection, but perfection is not a gift for mere mortals. I'll accept things the way they are, and work towards my plans.

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This is not a cry for help

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I told K I'd put those words somewhere soon, and what better place than here?

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One last thought for this journal, before I go back to my music. This one's an original.

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There should be no vacation from being a good person. Oftentimes selfish actions
have far-reaching consequences. It's not easy to see from this footstep how the
next one will fall.

It's far less painful in the long run to not make the mistakes, than it is to try
and repair the damage.

And sometimes there are no right actions, no correct decisions.

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That's enough for now. Another time.

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Oh my god.

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They've just released a new season of doctor who. This'll make it something like 28 seasons (that's 28 years in case you hadn't guessed) of this show being on the air.

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Needless to say, I'm going to watch it!

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It looks a lot like they did the same things to Dr Who that they did to battlestar galactica. It looks promising.

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Oh, for all you fun people who actually take time to read this nonsense… http://pacificcoast.net/~gthompson/

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Free tax software. Yes. Free. Not stolen, not trial. Written by a guy in victoria, if you can imagine that. Looks like he's been doing this since 2001. Makes me wish I'd found it sooner. It looks exactly like the paper forms, but without all those nasty math problems. It's a bit of a bear to figure out initially, but it's not too hard once the initial terror passes.

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Anyway, gotta dash, c ya!

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Tax season is so much fun.

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I just worked out my total debt.

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Looks like it's going to be about $4600.00. That's more than I'd hoped, but less than I'd feared. Provided I can get the final bits of paper from J before the end of this month, I should be able to pay it off with a few days to spare. Though I must admit, watching nearly 5k drop out of my bank account and having nothing to show for it really doesn't inspire me to sing a little song!

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Note for the future: Pay taxes monthly!

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I need to start taking better care of myself. I've been averaging about 1 meal a day.

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Mind you, I just haven't been hungry. I normally don't even think about food until my stomach starts to hurt, and recently a single meal in a 24 hour period seems to shut it up, so I haven't really thought too much about it.

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But I doubt it's healthy. I doubt I can really do it for all that much longer without running into problems. This has always been a problem, I'd get really busy, and really interested in what I was doing. After the first hunger pains go away, I don't usually tend to feel it anymore, it turns into white noise. I don't really feel starved of course, but I've noticed recently my thought patterns are a little more erratic than normal. It's something to work on for sure.

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Funny too, my stomach hurts more now that I've eaten than it did before I ate. Figure that one out if you dare.

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I got Merc to order me a laptop today, I even picked it out! I'm getting moved out of support and technical services, and into R&D. That means I'll be giving up my workbench for a desk, and since I'm on a bunch of projects, I'll be moving around a fair bit. I can't honestly say I'm looking forward to it, I'm more nervous about screwing up and letting people down than I am excited about the future opportunities.

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Likely I'll end up splitting my time even further, and continue doing support work as I can, while fitting it into my development time. I hope I don't disappoint them.

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I just want to be useful.

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