Author: Aaron

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Happy late new year. It's been a bloody long time since I wrote anything here.

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Too busy living the life to take the time to document it I guess.

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This year's been pretty stressful so far. I decided to quit smoking January 2nd. I didn't really have a good reason to quit initially. I mean yeah, i was getting tired quicker, and it was sometimes hard to catch my breath. My chest hurt in the mornings, and my bloodpressure was slowly climbing up to an uncomfortable place.

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Those aren't reasons though. My Christina was quite in love with the idea of me quitting smoking, though she's never tried to push me into quitting, she was very very supportive. Enough so that she agreed to take better care of herself in exchange for me doing the same. That's a bigger deal than it sounds like, and it's been enough to keep me quit.

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And what a time THAT has been!

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January 3rd, my domain name expired, taking out my web server, my mail server, and part of my friend Josh's telephone system. Worse, re-registering it took DAYS because I'd messed things up trying to fix it quickly.

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At the same time, the distributed compiling cluster I'd built at work for a time sensitive project seemed to be acting up.

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January 4th my mom showed up, for a 9 day visit. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom, but by this point I was already so stressy, I fear I was not the best company.

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On the 7th I went over to see my Christina, and through a screwup totally my own, didn't notice that the 1pm sunday ferry DID NOT RUN THAT WEEK. That resulted in me spending an extra day over, but I was such a stress case I probably made the end of the visit bad. I tried not to ruin it, but I was just so tense… *sigh*

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This week I've spent repairing the damage from last week, and getting ready for the after christmas party.

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I was there for about 45 minutes.

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I had mentioned to the people I talked to half seriously that I was uncomfortable in large crowds. Imagine my surprise when I got out of there and nearly threw up.

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I think I understand why I've been skipping big gatherings.

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I care for all of them, they're friends as well as co workers. I just can't deal with all of them at once. I would've pulled my usual “Sure, I'll be there – Oops, I missed it”, but I did promise them I would show up. I was likely the poorest dressed there. Suits and ties, and general formal wear, and me in the clothes I worked in that day. Pretty much all the clothes I own are like the ones I wore tonight, functional, but not formal or even all that neat.

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I did get a chance to thank Coldwell for having the faith in me to let me stay all this time, and he turned around and thanked ME! That was a shock, and a reminder that I'm dealing with a much kinder class of people now. I just wish sometimes I knew how to be comfortable around more than one or two of them.

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It's my problem, my issue, and really I don't know how to begin.

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As a funny topper, this blog got mentioned briefly at the party. Thankfully not all that many people heard that it even exists.

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The people I work with are kind, but I have bad images of them laughing as they read of things that have caused me pain. It's unfair, and I'm sure it's untrue. It's how I'm wired though, I honestly can't see people seeing the real me with anything other than contempt and derision. I've been a bad person, and I'll never be clean. I can't relax, and I can't let them in.

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I'm feeling like I need a stiff drink, I'm going to go find one.

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Welcome to the part of my soul that is NOT funny.

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Please, tread gently.

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#uncategorized

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As a further addendum to an article I'd written earlier…

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It's bad enough when other people don't recognise how you're feeling. When you get really MAD, and take it out on people, and no one notices.

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That's what I call understated reactions.

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Worse is when you don't recognize them yourself.

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I've had a few instances recently when things have bothered me, and I haven't noticed. As soon as I realized something was bothering me and found a solution, I invariably felt better, but I didn't notice the problems until ithey had been brewing for a while.

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That's just sad!

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How far below the radar am I flying?

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I like to think my reactions at work are… probably excessive… but now I'm having to reconsider that line of thinking. Am I making any ripples?

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I wonder if people try to get a reaction from me just to see if I'm interested in anything… Like how Len mentioned at the halloween party that he'd never seen me laugh so much.

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I haven't put much thought into this before. Maybe it's time.

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It's been a good day.

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I back to Victoria on the morning ferry, and made it through customs with barely a ripple. That was nice, since they can be more than a little interrogative when the mood strikes them. Being at the front of the line also seems to help, since they are in a hurry to get to the end of the line.

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I managed to catch up on laundry, though I must admit the mysteries of laundry folding still illude me. At least it's all clean!!

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I was feeling a little weird, and ended up re-arranging my kitchen into a whole new pattern. Gone are the days of making coffee with my eyes mostly closed i think… *laughing*

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Being this far from my Christina sucks. I'm sure I could have my pick of other words, but I'd say SUCKS covers it adequately.

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So far I simply can't find any way to speed things up though. There are things that need to be done before we can be together, plain and simple. It's expensive, and that takes money that currently isn't in great supply. It takes new lodging, as 3 could not live comfortably in a space designed for one. And of course, there's all the legal stuff. It's not designed to be simple, it actually reminds me a lot of the instructions for doing taxes, or getting a divorce. I'm so glad that she's so good at digging this information up. I think my head would explode if I researched too much.

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Everything gets more complicated when kids enter the picture.

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In this case, the child in the picture is Tyler. He's 13. I'm sure I haven't mentioned him much, so now's as good a time as any.

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When I was originally preparing to meet Christina for the first time, I was aware of him. Under other circumstances it's possible he might have been the make-or-break that broke it all, but not in this case.

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I felt such a very strong connection to Christina, such a sense of “There you are”, that I was determined not to walk away from her sight unseen.

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I was convinced she was someone special, someone worth getting to know, and sure enough, that turned out to be the case. After a little while I got to know him too.

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It's been an eye opener. SO many things I didn't realize when I was growing up. So much I took for granted. I'm trying to do my best for both of them, without being too controlling or restrictive, but I'm finding myself playing the adult-male role more and more often, and it seems that's what he needs. Not that he'd ever say that though!

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It's partly for him that this takes longer. She could be moved over here fairly easily, depending on what she wanted to bring along. Adding him means additional things to consider, like schooling. Or health care (kids get hurt, I remember that from when I was young). Or enough 'personal space', which no child should be without. We all need our safe place.

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So it's going to be about another 7 months. He'll be out of school for the summer, and that's a good time to make a change. Mid school year moves suck. I should know, I did about 8 or 9 of them. Very disruptive.

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I don't have all the answers.

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Some days I don't have any.

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But I'm going to work this out.

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since I've written anything here. Too busy living life to stop and take note of it. Sometimes that's the way it goes.

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Sooo.

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Since I wrote last, I've been sick twice, though only once bad enough to merit staying home for two days. I've still got a nasty cough that's determined to hang in there no matter what.

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I've had the unfortunate job of reclaiming computer equipment from the 13 or so people who've been let go over the last month, and returning that equipment to service.

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I've travelled quite a bit on the ferry, to see my lady in Port Angeles.

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Life is good, but I have to admit my mind's a little blank. I'd love to babble on about the contents of my brain, but I really have nothing else to say right now.

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I'll try not to stay away quite so long from here on in.

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I just bought a car today.

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Not just any car though. A 2005 Mazda 3 Sedan.

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A grey one.

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*burbles*

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I pick it up tomorrow.

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Sweet jesus it's so pretty.

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——— Edit ———–

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I just recently got another raise, equal in size to my last one. That was a beautiful thing, but it really wasn't 'necessary', so I'd ended up with even more money unallocated as I've been living well within my means every since I started working at Mercurial (because I don't tend to want many things).

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My car was potentially going to cost me $300 a month in gas just for standard travel to and from work. I was also looking at potentially spending $1000 on tires, plus the never ending maintenance which is common with older cars.

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Now I'm effectively using up my raise, every penny of it. That sounds like quite a bit of money, except I hadn't allocated it to anything yet, so I totally won't miss it. Also, I won't be spending more than about $75 a month on gas likely, and I'll have zero in the way of real maintenance costs for the next few years.

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Since the new car comes with a SIX year warranty, the only things I'm actually going to have to worry about are brakes, tires, and windshield wipers.

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Damn, I think I can handle that! I don't drive like a maniac, so I think the tires and brakes should last at least 2 years.

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The funny thing is, year 2 I totally break even, where the vehicle isn't costing me anything 'extra', and year three i'm actually saving money. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever?

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Plus I checked, I can always dump massive amounts of money on my bill at any time, and that means I'll be able to reduce the payments when I have some spare.

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Starting around december/january, I'll have said spare money, and I should be able to safely double or triple the payment amounts, which will mean this beastie will be mine all the sooner, or at the very least I'll have lower payments later.

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That's always a handy idea, in case I run into tight times in the future.

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Anyhow, nuf said.

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Expect the traditional photos of everything to follow. 🙂

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Some days are just like that.

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I've fallen behind a bit on the project I'm working on at work. I keep getting up and helping people, and that tends to mean I'm not sitting down in front of my laptop and actually getting the project done. I've been a bit slack too, I'm not working nights except when I actually get called in to work.

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No matter, it'll all get worked out sooner or later.

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I'm still waiting for the end of my performance review… It's been nearly a month! Being fair though, it's been a hell of a month, and there have been much higher priorities out there, even I can see that. I'm thinking it'll be finished soon, and probably in a good way, so I'm ok with waiting.

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I've been taking a few supplements recently, and started taking one late last week especially for joints and arthritis. Holy crap. I hadn't realized exactly how stiff and sore everything had been! It's still early on, but i noticed a little bit of new bounce in my step today. It's not that I'm any more healthy, or that my muscles don't ache from sleeping weird, just it feels a lot more like my joints are properly oiled, not sanded.

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I'm going to keep track of this. I could just be having a good day, and it might not be related… but it's worth running a course of these and seeing.

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I'm tired of feeling old.

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I need to remember to stop working when I come home. I've been working for about 3 hours off and on, and I'm totally brain fried.

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I should learn to stop, but it's so difficult to walk away when there's still stuff I can fix. It's a bit of an obsession, I'm a fixer. It's not really a bad thing, provided I don't take it to extremes.

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I just like to be useful!

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Of course there's a down side to it. I'm always there when people need me, that much is a promise. Sometimes I'm not around when they don't need me though. After all, if I'm not needed, I may as well get out of the way right?

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I don't always pick up the clues. Hey, what can I say? I'm a guy.

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Retrospect occasionally points out that maybe people might like me around, even if I'm not *needed*. I'm not sure exactly how to tell mind you, it's something that requires further thought.

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I'm done writing for now.

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Finally, it's done.

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I signed the last of my divorce papers today. Actually, I signed a set, and was nearly home, and had to go bad and sign a second set, just in case.

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This means in about 6 weeks it will all finally be over.

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I took a little time out tonight to celebrate. I had a very nice spaghetti dinner (one of the few things I actually know how to cook!), and a few (alright, maybe one too many) drinks.

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*dizzzy* 😀

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It's long past time.

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I'm a little freaky recently. It's been a hell of a month. I can't say any of it's been bad, but I certainly didn't expect July to pass the way it did. I've been spending more time than I expected in introspection. I've had the time, and the silence, and the thoughts have a way of working to the surface. I guess you never really reach a point where looking backwards and looking inside lose their value.

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I'm still finding it tough to make friends. I've been trying off and on to connect with people, but the results are unsatisfying, and don't seem to last. Perhaps I don't have the knack. That's an unpleasant thought, but life is all about seizing the unpleasantries firmly with both hands and dealing with them. Hiding from the way things are, the way I am, it doesn't solve anything. It's a comfort to hide from the nasties though, like being snuggled up in a warm blanket. It's just too bad you can't really travel forward if you're all wrapped up.

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Initially I was going to make this entry friends only, but then I did a little thinking. That's no better than hiding myself beneath my favorite blanket of illusions. How can I admit something to myself and keep hiding it others? I've written before about the masks I wear, and that still matters. I'm trying to tear down the walls, one brick at a time. Sure, I've got things I keep buried, we all do. So much of who I am doesn't need to be buried though. It might not be shiny and cheerful. It might be a thunderstorm that blots out the light and brings down the rain. It might be a nightmare with people screaming. It might just be a bee sting or a flat tire though. It's all a matter of keeping it in perspective. Some stuff simply doesn't matter enough to hide, and the hiding buries not only the events, but the strength that was required to live through them, or the fears and weakness that make us all human.

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Hidden under our own personal blankets, we all look the same. There's security in obscurity, in being just a face in the crowd, another number… I keep trying to fight that, and I'd like to think I've made a little progress. People who meet me, and actually stay to talk for longer than a minute, they get the real me. (Or as much of me as I can offer anyone).

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Some people don't like that. It can be a lot like streaking through a mall. So many people simply don't know how to handle it. Most people don't open up that much, except to a loved one or a relative. They go through life hidden from the world, and no one can see their faces.

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I don't want to be one of those people. Watch me bleed in my misery, and don't turn away. Smile as I run through my life, chasing the path I've chosen, with one foot firmly in my mouth.

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One day I'll totally be the person I want to be. I'll probably be unsuitable to take anywhere by then, but hey, what do you expect?

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I'm not changing for you.

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It's Tuesday. Yesterday was a day off, but I have to admit, I don't feel all that rested.

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I finally got around to getting a haircut! Damn, it was way overdue.

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Here's what it turned out like.

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Picture One
Picture Two

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All in all, I have to admit I'm rather pleased at how it turned out. It's totally me, a no-maintenance haircut!

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