Month: October 2018

I realized something while responding to something I saw posted that said “Love thy neighbor (without exception)”

I realized that for me.. that’s not true.

My love has conditions.  It has exceptions.  It’s not all encompassing and all tolerant.  It does distinguish between people.  It’s not even free.

That’s how I can tell that it actually means something.

Sage died this morning, suddenly and in great pain.

The only possible mercy was that the end came swiftly.  We were witnesses.

She’d been withdrawn for a few days, and we didn’t investigate.  We’d had a few scares before when she wasn’t feeling well, and in some cases medicine and care were required.

This morning, there wasn’t time for any of that. We gave her a little water, we put her on Christina’s lap.. and I stepped away to use the washroom.

By the time I ran back hearing Christina shout.. it was Sage’s last few moments.  Sprawled out on the floor, arms and legs limp, she had a few final spasms and was finally deathly still. 

I’d put my hand on her as soon as I came in.  I didn’t know if she’d feel it or care, but I couldn’t let her step into the dark afraid and totally alone.

My heart breaks thinking about how much pain she must have felt in those last moments, and how small and helpless she looked lying there.

I couldn’t let it out.  I held Christina until she stopped weeping, and an hour later when the vet finally opened I called them to confirm they’d take her for cremation.  I kept it together as I put her in a small box and closed the lid, then brought her to the car, then from home to the vet, from my car to their hands.

I made it home, even though I was shaking.  I waited for it all to hit me.

It didn’t, and I continued with the day, exercise, work and the like, until finally this evening.

It’s only now that I can finally write this down I feel the tears run down my face.  Sage was our companion for a decade. I’ve had friendships — I’ve had  relationships shorter than that.  

A decade is a long time.  In her case, it was a lifetime, and my world is lessened with her passing.

I know this isn’t the last time this kind of thing will happen.  There are still 3 others in the house who are near the same age. 

In time they’ll all be gone too.

I feel this life will break my heart.