I was listening to a song, and I was really enjoying it. You know that euphoria you get when you’re really happy? Songs can take me there.
So I was listening to this song, and I had a moment where I thought “You know, one day it’ll be over, I’ll be gone, and I’ll never hear this song, or feel this way again. Indeed, it’ll be like I never was.”
A wave of protest, of feeble hope and indignant response to the general unfairness that is the mortal coil.
A little wave, but I’m not gigantic, and for that moment it washed over me and it was all around me. A breath, and then another. It passes, and I’m again in control, the monkey is back in his cage, and I’m shouting “Shut up!” as I slam the cage door.
The urge to hang on to life tooth and nail must eventually give way with some grace and dignity, as all things pass. I keep reminding myself of that. It must, otherwise my only choice is madness and delusion, clutching at straws that aren’t even there. I can’t accept that.
I can’t accept it when other people lie to me, I can’t accept lies from myself. Not even the ones masquerading as mercy.