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Happy late new year. It's been a bloody long time since I wrote anything here.
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Too busy living the life to take the time to document it I guess.
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This year's been pretty stressful so far. I decided to quit smoking January 2nd. I didn't really have a good reason to quit initially. I mean yeah, i was getting tired quicker, and it was sometimes hard to catch my breath. My chest hurt in the mornings, and my bloodpressure was slowly climbing up to an uncomfortable place.
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Those aren't reasons though. My Christina was quite in love with the idea of me quitting smoking, though she's never tried to push me into quitting, she was very very supportive. Enough so that she agreed to take better care of herself in exchange for me doing the same. That's a bigger deal than it sounds like, and it's been enough to keep me quit.
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And what a time THAT has been!
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January 3rd, my domain name expired, taking out my web server, my mail server, and part of my friend Josh's telephone system. Worse, re-registering it took DAYS because I'd messed things up trying to fix it quickly.
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At the same time, the distributed compiling cluster I'd built at work for a time sensitive project seemed to be acting up.
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January 4th my mom showed up, for a 9 day visit. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom, but by this point I was already so stressy, I fear I was not the best company.
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On the 7th I went over to see my Christina, and through a screwup totally my own, didn't notice that the 1pm sunday ferry DID NOT RUN THAT WEEK. That resulted in me spending an extra day over, but I was such a stress case I probably made the end of the visit bad. I tried not to ruin it, but I was just so tense… *sigh*
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This week I've spent repairing the damage from last week, and getting ready for the after christmas party.
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I was there for about 45 minutes.
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I had mentioned to the people I talked to half seriously that I was uncomfortable in large crowds. Imagine my surprise when I got out of there and nearly threw up.
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I think I understand why I've been skipping big gatherings.
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I care for all of them, they're friends as well as co workers. I just can't deal with all of them at once. I would've pulled my usual “Sure, I'll be there – Oops, I missed it”, but I did promise them I would show up. I was likely the poorest dressed there. Suits and ties, and general formal wear, and me in the clothes I worked in that day. Pretty much all the clothes I own are like the ones I wore tonight, functional, but not formal or even all that neat.
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I did get a chance to thank Coldwell for having the faith in me to let me stay all this time, and he turned around and thanked ME! That was a shock, and a reminder that I'm dealing with a much kinder class of people now. I just wish sometimes I knew how to be comfortable around more than one or two of them.
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It's my problem, my issue, and really I don't know how to begin.
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As a funny topper, this blog got mentioned briefly at the party. Thankfully not all that many people heard that it even exists.
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The people I work with are kind, but I have bad images of them laughing as they read of things that have caused me pain. It's unfair, and I'm sure it's untrue. It's how I'm wired though, I honestly can't see people seeing the real me with anything other than contempt and derision. I've been a bad person, and I'll never be clean. I can't relax, and I can't let them in.
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I'm feeling like I need a stiff drink, I'm going to go find one.
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Welcome to the part of my soul that is NOT funny.
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Please, tread gently.
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