sometimes we see them fall
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Grr!
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Telus just changed their rate structure. Now they have bandwidth limits. Evil!
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So i called shaw :). I'm way over for this month according to telus, and getting cut off for checking my mail would piss me off beyond words.
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To say nothing about what missing friend's journals would do to me. I'd be a wreck!
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So I'm exchanging one evil for another.
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Damn.
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Wheee. This week was fun.
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Much work, many miracles. Fixed the pretty lady's computer, which seems to be my role in life. Had someone follow me until I parked and offered 5K for my camaro tonight.
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Great, that'd be money and no wheels. Or a new car and unknown problems. Thanks anyway buddy.
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Besides, it's such a fun car for cross country driving, and I have 3 trips coming up this year. I'm NOT DONE WITH IT!!
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I've had a few drinks, one more than my limit, and one more's on my desk in front of me, not long for this world.
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I'm going to stop now, nothing important enough to relate is new yet, but I'm always hopeful.
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G'night!
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A friend of mine is having a crisis of faith. He's got a simple question. What's the point of all of this?
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He asked someone at work today, and I heard, and I offered my ear to his pain. I couldn't help it. I asked the same question 3 years ago, and came up with an answer I could live with.
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He wants there to be some purpose behind it all, some master plan, some reason for doing, and being.
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That's not a question most people ask in the middle of the day. I asked him in return “Does there have to be a purpose behind it? Isn't it enough to simply be, to exist? You are the center of your universe, the focal point of all your perceptions and all your memories. While you live you stand in the center of it all, and it all radiates outward from you. Can't you just be happy to BE?”
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He can't. He doesn't seem to have a faith to hang on to, so the questions he's asking are difficult in the extreme. Faith provides you with a second chance, a “next time around”, an “after the mortal coil”. Abandoning faith leaves you alone, facing a clock that is inexoriably winding down. If your life is not for your children, and if your life is not for the future, and if your life is once, and once only, it's hard to find a reason to live it.
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I hope he finds his own answer to this. I doubt mine will suit him. He needs a reason, something to balance the equation and make it all make sense.
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3 years ago I was at the same question. I found my answer and abandoned my faith. I found the path that leads to my future, and I can accept it. Even now with his question pounding in my ears I know my answer still fits.
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I want little things.
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And there's still time.
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I had a dream last night.
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There were people I did not recognize, doing things I don't remember. All I remember clearly is that I was happy.
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I wonder why?
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I put my wedding ring on again this morning. It's been sitting in my bathroom for a few months now, along with the two other rings I used to wear. I'm not quite sure why I did, but I don't feel any real desire to take it off.
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Maybe I'm just being “leave-me-aloneish”. After all, a ring is the clearest sign that someone's not available to play with.
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I'm not sure. It's quite pretty though, especially on a sunny day.
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I think I'll leave it where it is.
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On the way home a few minutes ago, I saw a man wearing a sign.
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It said:
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“HONK IF YOU
LOVE PEACE
AND QUIET”
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So I honked my broken (and silent) car horn.
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Works for me!
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K.
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I can only take so much “wah, poor me!” from myself before I get over it. It's a learned reflex I guess, from those times thankfully long past. I refuse to let bad thoughts sink their teeth into me, I know as well as anyone how tightly they can hang on if they get a firm grip. After a while, it becomes nearly impossible to break free, and that's a special kind of hell.
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My moment of self-pity has passed.
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I'm going to call it a night. I have to try to make it into the office sometime tomorrow to get some work done, and I'm planning on sleeping in. Soo… the sooner I sleep, the longer I sleep 🙂
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I think I'm going to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow. I quite like what I picked out. Some new shirts and pants, more than anything they're clothes I think I can be comfortable wearing. Stylish? I doubt it, that's one of those words I don't quite get.
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Even if I did, I think I'd rather choose clothes that are comfortable to wear, and comforting to my eyes, over “what's in”.
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I'd rather be me, than a copy of someone else!
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G'Night!
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Today was totally unproductive.
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Not that I didn't do a lot today mind you.
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I went to a gathering at J's this afternoon, and played with his daughter (which never fails to cheer me up). I went shopping, and bought some more clothes, all much needed. That brings me up to about a week's worth of clothes total, which is the most clothes I've had in the last 2 years. I even bought slippers! My feet have finally stopped complaining about the cold!
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Oh, and laundry, great piles of laundry, which means I'll be able to go out DRESSED (always a good thing, it's still a bit nippy out!)
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I finally got around to eating more than a snack for the first time in the last few days, and I'm feeling a bit better for it. I locked down a few servers, and did a little work email.
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My diet/stress/overwork is starting to pay off, I'm 9 pounds lighter than when this all started, which is a good start.
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A has been off the radar for most of this week, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure she's avoiding me, but I've been so high stress I haven't had a chance to check up on her.
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It's quiet here.
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I miss having people to phone. That's the problem with moving as many times as I have. You leave your enemies behind, but you also leave your friends as well.
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Not much I can do about it right now mind you. I'm in that awkward in-between place, where the old crowd has lost touch, but new associations haven't been made yet.
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I'm complaining, and I know it. It's hard to meet people here. Maybe the same is true everywhere, but I've been surrounded by friends up until last February, and before I met them I had Tracy. Going back further, I was in the middle of a group of friends who I'd known for years. So it's been about 12 years since I've been in this kind of a position, and I've gotta admit I'm not really enjoying it.
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Don't get me wrong. People know me. My co-workers respect me, and the people I meet in my day-to-day life generally get along with me.
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At 1 o'clock in the morning, when the quiet voice of uncertainty is biting you, who do you call? For the moment, none of the people who are involved in my life are the person I would call.
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I don't like where this journal is going. I'm going to stop and go away, and hopefully come back armed and armored, and ready to face what's next with more optimism.
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It'll get better – no. I'll get better.
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This is just a moment, it will pass.
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They always do.
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Random thought for the day:
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yay, be my friend
I'm loyal and i don't shed
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Weird day.
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First, the main file server jammed up. Then the network failed. Then the main webserver took a dive, and the mailserver decided to take a vacation. THEN I actually went into the server room a took a good look and freaked out. What a mess!
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This in the middle of shuffling offices.
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Then 2 ladies I know were being unusually friendly. Enough friendly I noticed, and it weirded me out.
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Do I smell different today?
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I finally dragged myself out of work around 5:30, and it was dragging. Too much excitement, I was tired enough that driving home was a little scary. Before I left, the server due monday went south for the winter, so it looks like I'm spending part of tomorrow in the office building it's replacement.
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Other than that, the day was pretty good. I'm sticking at 1 cigarette during a standard work day, which is a much needed break, and more than enough smoking. I imagine I'll probably quit again sometime sooner or later, but for the moment it's a lot better than freaking out.
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Informal review also today, which went well, it was done by good people, friends, so they listened without judging, which is a comfort.
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Also, it turns out I'm on call for the next 96 hours. I didn't quite expect it, but I was planning on doing some work this weekend anyway, so it's not a major inconvenience, unless of course it happens that the call comes in at 3am, in which case I'll just die.
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C was planning on visiting tonight, but I've managed to avoid her thusfar, mostly by being extremely busy. I'm more uneasy around her as time goes on, I don't entirely trust her intentions, and I'm not at all interested in getting involved with someone with a personality that much in odds with my own. No thank you, I had enough of that when I was married.
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I've been following several other people's journals, and I'm glad I've taken the time. Reading them have cheered me up immensely, some of them are so funny!
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A shame I don't know any of them, but I do enjoy the chance to see into their lives none the less.
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I'm going to go now, it's time to watch something mindless.
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I may write more later.
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I'm getting cold feet.
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I don't mean I'm having second thoughts, or I'm uncomfortable with the actions I've chosen. I'm serious. Cold feet.
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When I packed up all my stuff in nelson, I took a car load with me. I gave nearly everything else away, but the stuff I didn't give away or take I stored at a friend's place. In one of the boxes, my slippers.
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I've been living a year without any slippers, and everytime I go outside I think “Damn, my feet are cold!”.
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Yet I still haven't bought any new ones, despite the fact that slippers aren't really expensive. It's not that I'm seriously hooked on my old pair. I mean, they were nice, and they fit fine, but they're not something I have a significant attachment to.
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Still, I haven't bought any. How much are we slaves to habit? I keep thinking I should buy some, but I keep waiting until I can go and pick up MY pair. *sigh*
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New topic. A screwdriver's more than a tool.
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In this case, it's a tasty drink, and one of the less nasty ways to drink a lot in a small amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bottle-a-night kind of person, or even a bottle a month some months. I just don't like beer, and I've pretty much burned out on most other drinks years and years ago.
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Talked to H today, she finally moved into her new place, and seems much happier. We (again) only talked for a few minutes, but this time it was due to the serious migraine that was kicking my ass at the time. I even had to leave work early, that was a pain. Luckily, I'd done everything but one job which isn't due until monday, and I'll have tonnes of time to do it tomorrow.
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On yet another topic, the public beta finally came out! WTF you say? This — > http:/
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Why am I mentioning this? http:/
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That's why. It's reviewing well, as it should.
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I'd love to say lots about it, but I think the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) is still binding, so besides providing the links and a serious WOOT, I likely can't say anything else at least until the package goes final.
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I can say Merc is the best place to work in the industry, and I feel damn lucky to be a part of the team. Who would've imagined 2 years ago I would've come so far?
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Mmm…
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Ipod.
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Winamp.
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Ipod+winamp=huge music shuffle not taking up precious drive space.
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Sweet!
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