Month: February 2005

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Today was fun.

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I went to work for a few hours, and got most of the work done, which means monday will be less rushed.

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I called my grandma, and we had a little chat. I always forget, but she's very much like coarse sandpaper, she tends to scrub away the top layer of imaginings, and it usually stings a bit. I don't know exactly what I expected, but it was worth talking to her, if only to clear my head.

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I finally got around to the drink I was going to have on friday, before everything got really messed up. I'm actually still working on it, and I'm sensing at least one more lurking around the corner. Who knows?

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I've decided, I'm going to get back into my book, like I got back into my exercise routine. Something I read in someone else's LJ convinced me it's long past time to put my words down on paper.

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Mind you, I don't know if starting it now would be the best idea, unless I'm planning to turn it into a semi-literate comedy half way through!

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“We try to say with confidence
That were picking up oblivion
And I was tryin to make some sense
Speaking to you

We try to say with confidence
That were picking up oblivion
Inside of you
“

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I should know better than to write after a drink or two, but I'm here, and I don't have anything better to do. I'm sure it will be something to look back on and wince, but as with all entries, I'm not much interested in after-the-fact editing. I am who I am, and if I was going to write things then erase them, I'd be better of not starting.

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I'm going to keep this shorter than most of the recent entries, I'm giving too much away, some things should require meeting me, and time, and some serious digging. Unearthing all of it now takes the mystery out of it.

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Totally off topic thought. I said this to a person I know recently…

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“I think I'd rather wear my heart on my sleve, all exposed, all bared for everyone to see. That way they could see it when they break my heart.”

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Actually, maybe that's exactly on topic, now that I think of it. I think I'm going to find this all a fascinating read a year from now.

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I'm going to go find that other drink, where ever it's hiding.

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G'night

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Wow.

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I wrote way more than I'd intended yesterday. It was a day for introspection and no small amount of freaking out. I'm a lot calmer now though.

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Going to work in about half an hour, yeah, it's sunday, so what? I don't have anything better to do at the moment, and there's work I can do today which will make tomorrow easier.

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I also picked up my book again last night. By my book I mean the one I'm writing. I started it 2 years ago, and then my life kind of fell apart, so it got put on long term hold. I did a little more on it last night, and rediscovered how very difficult it is to write.

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Mind you, I also read part of the book again (it's about 50 pages so far), and went wow, I wrote that? I can see parts that are awkward, but over all it's not too bad.

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I might be the only person who'll ever read this, or I might not, but I'm putting the first chapter in just below this comment.

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If nothing else it'll serve as a marker point, a grand leap backwards into the mind of the person I used to be.

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———- QSD CHAPTER 1 —————

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Chapter One

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It was in retrospect, as is often the case; it occurred to him that this might not have been the best idea after all.

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The sun was nearing the horizon, and from the other direction he could see what looked like angry storm clouds on the move. The wind had picked up within the last hour, stirring the dust with reckless abandon.

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Thomas looked down at his shovel, and the hole he'd been digging. The soil here was mostly gravel, with just enough muck holding it together to make it slow work. With every shovelful more debris fell into the hole, forcing him to make it larger than originally planned.

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The mountainside was beautiful.

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He could see it in his mind's eye from the pictures he'd taken over the last couple of months. A single mountain, set in the middle of plains and rolling hills that stretched as far as the eye could see. Beaten, weathered, with two fractured and snow covered peaks rising above the land. Tall trees took root almost to the snow line. The mountain commanded an impressive view of the landscape. It was quite possible to see the entire county from it on a clear day.

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Hikers, climbers and naturalists considered this place a home away from home. It was one of the few places you could walk all day in the height of summer, and not get eaten alive by bugs. Indeed, there did not seem to be any insects at all, anywhere near or on the mountain.

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The southern face was not the same; a large piece was missing. In its place a depression- seemingly carved out of the rock, only thirty feet at its deepest, but stretching a half a mile in diameter, and nearly 300 yards back in to the mountain, it seemed very much out of place.

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It too was beautiful, in its own way, but no trees grew here, just moss and tiny flowers, yellows and whites, which blanketed this place from early spring to late fall. Even that seemed a stretch; the soil seemed to lack the ingredients necessary to grow anything.

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At times the villagers climbed this mountain to the lowest part of the hole, named Caverna Quasso “The Shattered Cave”, and brought flowers back from it. Despite the efforts of some very good gardeners, the flowers always died with a few days. These flowers were seen nowhere else in the county, thin and fragile looking they still managed to grow and thrive in the worst weather a mountain can deliver.

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Too he could see his dig site, smack dab in the middle of this space, a low hill whose base he had visited only in pictures before. Low and rounded, it somehow seemed the right place to start this foolish endeavor. A trail of holes like giant footprints seemed to follow his path around the base of the hill to his current position on top of it.

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“But no amount of remembering will get this damn hole dug,” he muttered to himself, as he slung yet another spade full out of the hole. “I've been at this for nearly 3 hours now, it's getting late. I'm sore, tired, and starting to get cranky. I don't even know why I came up here, or what I expect to find. I swear, if I don't find something soon-“

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CLINK!

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Just then his shovel hit something that did not make the same noises he'd been hearing for hours. It sounded… metallic? Surely no one would bury treasure halfway up a mountainside.

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“Now what do we have here hmmm?” Moving faster now to force the dirt from the hole- to see what he'd discovered, he found that while he still couldn't make out what it was through the muck and gravel, he could see it was large.

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20 minutes later he had a space almost two feet square and three deep hitting the object. He leaned the shovel against the side of the hole, and started digging with spade and brush. The storm was closing fast and the wind had risen. Dust and dirt were starting to swirl around him as the light faded.

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I guess it’s too much to hope that life could stay peaceful.

Work has accelerated again, and that’s ok. I’m falling behind, but everyone is so patient. I was going to go into work today, but passed on that to catch up on little life things like laundry and groceries, which I was falling behind on. I’ll probably go in to work tomorrow for a few hours, so that’s all ok.

C is about to be homeless, and in a moment of weakness I offered her a place in my space to crash. I call it a moment of weakness, and before you start feeling cold about that, let me explain why.

She’s got a boyfriend, he’s got an apartment. She’s got half a dozen friends who would keep her, and they have more space. Someone offered her a place to stay for a few weeks today even.

She decided she’d stay here. I haven’t made the offer again recently, because I was hoping she’d work everything out without me, but it looks like even though there are other options, she’s going to choose this one, and I’m afraid I’m lacking the harshness to tell her no. We’re really not compatible people, like flame and gasoline, we’re better in small doses.

I’m not comfortable sharing my space with anyone right now, it’s a small place, and it’s mine, and when I close the door and turn off the ringer on the phone it’s all mine, all safe. I don’t know if I want to give that up for just anyone right now. I made the offer though, so I’ll live with my choices, and I won’t let them bother me much further.

My biggest stress right now is concern for my cousin, A. She’s going through a hard time at the moment. It’s not every day that you hear the sound of someone’s mind shattering into a thousand little pieces, all hurting.

This will be the third time I’ve heard it clearly though. The first time was all mine, and for about 4 years I lived in a hell I’m unable to define better than a soul filled with crushed glass and salt. I nearly didn’t make it out, and even though it’s been years, I’m always watchful – and fearful.

The second time was with my cousin, J. He’s been broken for about 5 or 6 years now, and it’s looking very much like he’ll never recover from this. It hit him younger than it did me, and I guess he just wasn’t strong enough to pull him self out of it. I tried to help for a while, but I was not able to do anything permanent to help him recover. It all just slid off, nothing stuck, and he’s in the same broken place to this day.

Last night I called A. I knew right away something was wrong. In place of the cheerful, ever energetic person I’ve come to love, was a fractured stream of words, with pauses in strange places. That scared me – hell, it’s still scaring me.

This collapse has come suddenly, no more than 2 weeks I’d guess. It’s terrifying how quickly it can all come apart. I talked to my uncle, A, (yes yes, there are a lot of people in my family with the first letter A, get over it) and he’s been watching her fall apart, which is another kind of hell I can’t even imagine.

It was bad enough his son went through this, but now his daughter too. He’s suspecting it’s some kind of genetic weakness that helps to make this all possible, which brings me back around to the final point.

How much longer do I have to remain watchful, reigning in emotions and locking down actions, to keep the tides at bay? Is this something I’m going to have to fight again? Is it a failing I could pass on to my children?

I broke at 18. J broke at 15, and A broke now, at 28. It’s all the same thing again, a mind running in overdrive, like a runaway train without any brakes. It’s horrible.

I could just weep.

I’m going now, I’m going to phone her, and try and help her do battle with this, if I can.

I don’t know if it’ll help

but i have to try.

UPDATE:

Trying to help someone deal with a breakdown is like trying to glue teflon together. I’m not getting through, and I think her boyfriend isn’t trying to help her.

Every now and then in the conversation she’d say “It’s alright”, but it didn’t seem to mean anything, and it wasn’t connected to any other thought. Like a sneeze, a reflex action without any conscious thought behind it.

I’m worried for her, because I know how serious this can get. If she was well, she’d laugh it off, dismiss it as nothing, and even now I think she’s trying, but I’m not fooled.

I know what it sounds like.

I’m going to keep my eyes open, and be ready to help. I’ve been planning to visit in May anyway, I might just have to make an earlier trip.

I will if I need to. She’s my cousin, but she’s also my friend, and I’ll go the distance for the people I love.

Stay tuned.

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It’s been a while, and I’m short on time, but I thought I should drop in a line.

Life’s been busy. The lady I was interested in seems to be lukewarm when it comes to me, and I’ve backed off accordingly. She’s sweet, and she makes me laugh, but there’s nothing to be gained by pushing when she’s not interested.

Work has taken off (again). I have a full workload today, and have for every day for the past 2 weeks. I’ve even worked a bit on the weekends, though not as much as I should have.

We’re adding 40 people at work over the next month, so it is going to be “interesting times”. I didn’t get over to vancouver to see my mom while she was up due to the fact that every time I cleared my workload, they gave me more work, and all of it urgent.

I’m not complaining mind you, we talked a few times on the phone, and that was more conversation than we’ve had in a while (as a family, we don’t really keep in touch like we should). She’ll write me off and on throughout her travels, so I’m looking forward to that.

Things are quiet on the love-life front, but that’s ok for the moment, I really have been insanely busy, and I’d hate to ever give the impression to someone I was interested in that they’d have to play second fiddle to a job.

My raise came through in all it’s glory, and I’ve spent and spent, as is commonly the case. An ipod 2 weeks ago, and some car repairs next week, and that’ll eat up the raise plus a bit. Mind you, the repairs need to be done, and the ipod was for my sanity (it helps), so no real regrets. I’m still putting money away for my taxes, and as soon as J gets his done, I can do mine, and then I’ll know for sure how much I owe. I think I’m at the halfway mark for what I’ll need to pay, so I’m still furiously pouring money in, so I don’t get caught by suprise.

I’m still smoking, but I’m not smoking much, and I’ve started skipping meals I normally bought at work, and that’s a huge savings, plus the dietary changes are helping with my health. I’ve managed to take off about 7 pounds that I’d put on during christmas, and little by little I’m going to whittle it down to where I want to be, which is the point where all of my clothes fit properly (some are a little tighter than I’d prefer).

I’ve gotta run, it’s after 8, and there’s 8 computers waiting for me to work my magic, as well as several other projects which will need to be done before sunday. If I can manage to do them today, then I get a weekend!

A little birdy told me K was coming to the island in march, and I’m extremely excited. That’ll be a blast, it’s been such a long time. Luckily she’s coming after our main project is released to the public, so I should have a few days with no urgent work appearing right when she does.

Anyhow, cheers, I’m outa here.

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It’s first thing in the morning, and my first coffee is now an empty cup.

I’ve got flower on their way to H. I have to say I’m a little nervous.

I’d do it again in an instant though, no matter what happens.

I’ll let my actions be a mirror for my feelings, not a mask to hide me.

I have to.

I can’t hide forever.

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I was thinking in the shower tonight, and the subject tagline hit me.

The song that’s playing in my ears seems appropriate some how. It’s a good goal to reach for.

A life lived with no fear, and somewhere a clock is ticking. Time is passing, my goals won’t wait for me to work up the courage.

I had a nap today, and an awful dream.

I dreamed my ex reappeared, and took over my life, without asking.

It really made me see how much I value my independence now. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I was sitting on my balcony tonight, smoking a cigarette (yeah, I know, I quit a few months ago, leave it alone), and having a nice strong drink. I had my ipod on, headphones in my ears, and i closed my eyes, just listening to the music.

For once I didn’t feel like I needed to keep them open to keep track of what was going on, or to keep an ear open for the phone or some person.

It was awesome.

I’m going to send some flowers to the lady at the coffee shop monday, I think I’ll even put my name on the card.

Somewhere a clock is ticking.

I’m not going to wait.

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Sometime later this year I’m going to get a custom tshirt made.

It’ll be black, with white lettering, and will simply read:

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

I mentioned this to K, and to my cousin A, and they both seemed interested, so I think I’m going to end up getting a batch made.

Since I can’t leave it at that, here’s my reasoning…

People seem to spend all their time trying to look perfect to everyone else. Always strong, smart, funny, popular, what ever it is that people call important. I think it would be better if we all started with one simple fact… I’m NOT PERFECT. I never have been, I never will be, and therefore I do not need to pretend to be something I’m not to everyone around me. People will just have to accept me with all of my imperfections, and I will have to do the same for them.

Life is not a game. You shouldn’t get docked points for not matching up to an unreal expectation! Everyone should start with a clean slate, and everything about them should ADD to the whole, not take away.

I know there are people out there who could be good friends, lovers, role models, or teachers, but I’m not sure how to find them. Everyone hides who they really are behind a mask, and it’s to keep from getting hurt. But it makes it hard to really know the people you meet, to make any kind of connection.

So I’m going to make a tshirt, and I’m going to wear it! I’m no better than the other fakers really, I hide who I really am too, but I’m nearly at the point where I won’t be afraid to say it, to say

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

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Well, i survived the week. For a while there I wasn’t too sure.

Sunday the main development server died, monday saw the main windows server fail, and thursday the office firewall went south for the winter.

It was a bad week for technology. Somehow everyone made it through though, and that’s important.

I went through my performance review, and I did quite well. I even got a 23K raise, which is the biggest increase I’ve ever seen in my life. It’ll come in handy later this year when I have to pay all the taxes I didn’t pay last year.

Oh well. It’s only money, and it’s only ever a problem when you don’t have it and need it.

I met someone by the way. We’ve talked a few times, and I must admit, I enjoy speaking with her. Nothing definite has come out of this, but I’m somewhat optimistic. She’s a little young, but she’s very pretty, and extremely charming. Even if nothing else comes out of it, I think I’d like her as a friend. I actually had the chance to speak with her for more than 2 minutes yesterday, and I found her to be both honest and approachable. We’ll see what the future holds though.

I was going to go to work today, but I’m not really in the mood, I don’t really need to be there, and I’m feeling somewhat less motivated. It would make monday less crazy, but I don’t mind a little crazy. I’d much rather be busy than bored!

My mom is flying up from wherever she’s been for the past 6 months to spend a few weeks with my grandfather. I haven’t mentioned it, but I know the reason why. My parents are not coming back to canada for a few years, and he’ll be dead by then. As it is, he’s very old and quite frail. I should go see him, but I do not have the courage. I’d love to give some fancy excuse, but it’s just that.

Next weekend I’m going to Vancouver to see my mom for a few hours, that should be fun. I also may get the chance to see K! THAT will be extremely cool, it’s been like a year and a half.

I’m done here, I’ll write again.

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