I saw that in the paper today. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, the most depressing day of the year? Now?
Hardly.
I remember thinking “If this is as bad as the year gets, I can live with that”. I hope it’s the case, I can live with this. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not really a happy time right now, but it has been much, much worse.
I think the worst I have to face these days is loneliness. I’m still finding it really hard to meet people here. I still haven’t figured out how to turn strangers into friends. I’ve know people who can, they’re amazing, I’m secretly in awe of them.
But I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I’m awkward, like a child in his sunday best. I can’t make my face show what I’m feeling, so I think people think I don’t care.
I’ve looked in the mirror, and even the strongest feelings barely show. I can twist up my face, and then it finally looks like I’m a man with a heart not made of stone, but that feels false. It’s an effort, it’s a mask and not a mirror, and I can’t rely on my ability to make my face fake the feelings in my heart.
I’d like to say it’s something I’ll work on, that it’s not a problem, but seriously, who would I be fooling? Not me, not the people who know me. It’s become … IS a problem. I can’t seem to enjoy the company of people I admire, to tell them how important they really are to me, and how much I care.
It’s lonely.
That being said, the year has just started. I’m not quite ready to tuck myself into a ball in my closet, to wait for fairer seasons. I have dreams, and beautiful people are in them.
I think I’ll keep looking.