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Random thought for the day.
I think my sanity check just bounced.
The most depressing day of the year.
I saw that in the paper today. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, the most depressing day of the year? Now?
Hardly.
I remember thinking “If this is as bad as the year gets, I can live with that”. I hope it’s the case, I can live with this. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not really a happy time right now, but it has been much, much worse.
I think the worst I have to face these days is loneliness. I’m still finding it really hard to meet people here. I still haven’t figured out how to turn strangers into friends. I’ve know people who can, they’re amazing, I’m secretly in awe of them.
But I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I’m awkward, like a child in his sunday best. I can’t make my face show what I’m feeling, so I think people think I don’t care.
I’ve looked in the mirror, and even the strongest feelings barely show. I can twist up my face, and then it finally looks like I’m a man with a heart not made of stone, but that feels false. It’s an effort, it’s a mask and not a mirror, and I can’t rely on my ability to make my face fake the feelings in my heart.
I’d like to say it’s something I’ll work on, that it’s not a problem, but seriously, who would I be fooling? Not me, not the people who know me. It’s become … IS a problem. I can’t seem to enjoy the company of people I admire, to tell them how important they really are to me, and how much I care.
It’s lonely.
That being said, the year has just started. I’m not quite ready to tuck myself into a ball in my closet, to wait for fairer seasons. I have dreams, and beautiful people are in them.
I think I’ll keep looking.
Just to make things even more confusing…
Well, I think i’ll likely be stopping my old journal at
www.greenbtn.com, and starting one here. K talked me into it, and maybe
writing stuff here will mean I update it more than once a month or so.
Looking back at my old journal is weird. I’ve never been much for
writing things down, so it took me by suprise how much has changed. I
think I’m mostly the same person who wrote all those things, but I’m
not 100{99f4aabb8f9a8b7318031e7dd7e1d4d33a10ca1a288a083cef0cdea647a62112} sure.
I must admit I have to wonder what Tracy would think of me now. Would
she be suprised? Or merely indifferent? It doesn’t really matter
though, it’s been about 8 months since I heard from her last, and that
is a good thing. To be honest, it’s been a month since I thought of her
last, something about writing stuff down brings her back to mind.
Life’s good. It’s insane, but good. I’m at +3 weeks for a haircut, and
i’m feeling VERY shaggy. Hopefully I can sneak out today and bring it
back under control.
I love my job. That’s a funny thing to say, something I’ve normally
only heard in movies, but it’s so true. The people I work with are
nuts, every one of them. They work so many hours it’s terrifying, and
they’re extremely smart. I think I’d like to be more like them if/when
i grow up. 🙂
I’ve gotta run, work work work time.
I’ll add more later.